Performing MAsculinity

I think I've written about it before, but since it's an ongoing process, and this is (one of) my bolos, I'm going to try and exhaust this inexhaustible topic.

There are a lot of Black men in this neighborhood. A lot of young Black men.  And I am again feeling this crushing pressure to perform a masculinity that I have no desire to. I, again, feel pressure to conform, to put myself into a box... but maybe this is just me projecting?

Yeah, that was a pretty weak attempt at self-soothing. I know it's not me. I know that wearing my awesome pink raincoat evokes stares, glares, and side-long looks. I see it and I most definitely feel it. The hardest part is not to internalise it. I am read as a young Black man, probably a young Black gay dude, but I'm not. I'm a guy sometimes, but mostly I'm Aurien and I am having to (again) figure out who I am and who I am in relation to Black men performing 'traditional' masculinity.

I've been avoiding reflecting on this topic because it's such a huge weigh and I'd ratehr just shove it under my proverbial bed and let the dust bunnies dance around it. But I've been thinking about the love I have for Black folks and the ways that I show it. It's one thing to sit on Tumblr all day professing that love and it's another to be present in the spaces where Black folks are, to hang out and connect, to share food, to have those challenging discussions.  That's what I'm interested in getting back to.  And I know part of that means doing a bit of a dance a bit of compromising, a bit of navigation so that I can move into those spaces more easily.

Which means taking the initiative in new situations with Black folks. Which means being patient. Which means being vulnerable and unapologetically who I am.

Maybe that includes trading my pink slicker for a different colour, but I'll do that as a last resort.