Happy Holidays to You

Life is becoming a bit more overwhelming than usual.

I hate the holidays.  It allows for all of the ugly things that lie dormant for the 11 months of the year to come out and play.  I can't wait till all of this festivity is over, and we can get back to Real Life.

Textual Thoughts

As I'm reading Stonewall's Legacy: Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Students in Higher Education for my upcoming program, it has me thinking really hard about my own path to accepting my queer identity.

If I could change anything in my Life, it would be for the young Me to actually have xposure to real life queer individuals.  Maybe that's something that lots of queer folk wish for.  I just know for my painfully shy, emotionally abused younger self, this support would have made so many things easier.  And maybe I wouldn't have had to wait for fifteen years to be able to look myself in the mirror and say, "It's nice to finally meet you.  All of you."

But I can't spend my life wishing for 'what ifs' or 'if onlys'; there's no progress to be made that way.

"...better press on...."

I haven't had motivation to dissect anything enough to blog it here.  But that's not to say I haven't been thinking about this blog.  :)

There is a very small QPOC community in Olympia.  Mostly, its members commute to Seattle in order to partake in the larger qpoc community there.  I partake in neither.  Partly because that's a commute and a half and you need someone to get you through the door.  And partly because I'm a little tired of the smallness and temptation of drama that such a small community brings about. Really tired.

Also I'm trying to avoid new people.  I'm attempting to begin to hunker down my mind in order to earn all of my credits this upcoming quarter.  That means less community organising/socialising and more cozy night with my various textbooks.  It really is more exciting that it looks on this page. ;)

I learnt a lot this quarter, about community, my tolerance for duplicitous individuals, and how far my engagement reaches when no one else is engaged.  I think this has been the most practical learning I've done in an academic setting.  And i"m very proud of myself, in managing to keep about 60% of my attention on my internship.  I hope I can maintain that much attention when it's 18-credits of academic work.  :crosses fingers:

I've also been thinking a lot about how I want to get back to the East Coast and partake in that queer community.  I need to move to a chocolate town.  I'm at the point where it's going to be difficult for me to handle adjusting to anywhere I live; I might as well be around a culture I'm comfortable with.  And that means seeing Black faces. And having ready access to soul food. And an easy flight back to Orlando to do family refereeing. A long list of requirement,s, as usual.  I need to be near the ocean, and the Sun, and have a climate of----  :P

I'm looking forward to spiralling down.  Uh, that's not a nice mental visual.  I meant, focussing on what I want to do.  It took me almost 25 years, but for others it takes much longer.  And I have a feeling that this is just for now.  I'll be taken by another fancy in a few years' time, but this is interesting for now.  And I'm determined to keep my nose down and get on with getting on.  I'm ready to get out of this purgatory known as pursuing my BA.

Hope

I've been thinking a lot recently about how past romantic relationships influence and shape our perceptions regarding current or potential relationships. Sure this is a universal thing, but sometimes I wonder if it isn't a crutch for qpoc...

Imagine, we have to deal not only with discrimination for the hets, but also from the heteronormative queers and the white queer community. It's almost enough to scare you straight. Heh heh, yeah....

But it makes me realise all of the baggage we can being into relationships.... How can we purge ourselves of it, or at least become more aware of it, in order to create the most consciously hospitable environment for Love to grow...?

Going Home

Going Home to Orlando, FL this past week was tough. I was apprehensive about going home with the new Knowledge I'd gained form Evergreen and Olympia, but I was unprepared for the Displacement I felt.

Many people don't consider Florida the South, per se, but if you travel about thirty minutes outside of any bigger city, it's like stepping bak in time. The race relations are as palpable as ever, gender essentialism is the norm, and classism is rampant. And if you think you're going to be revolutionary and challenge the System... you'll be lucky if you escape without encountering physical violence.

I've spent the last eight months reconciling my identity as a Black woman who is queer and from the South. It's taken me a long time to accept myself, and it's an ongoing process. Going back to Orlando put my queer identity under fire.

The rampant homophobia and disregard to homophobic comments put into rather harsh perspective the comfort I experience in Olympia and the Pacific Northwest in general.  I was really forced to choose my Battles wisely, when faced with friends or acquaintances who made off-hand remarks that would get them shot down at Evergreen.

To the comments I chose to question, I feel I at least caused the Beginnings of deeper thought of assumptions. Or maybe not. Change comes slowly, if at all.

The hardest part was being invisible. White queers hardly get any recognition or acknowledgement, and being a person of colour, and queer.... No. The gay is something that only happens to White folk. Or it's just a phase. Or we'll beat it out of you.

If Olympia is my Theory, then Orlando is my Practise. It feels good to know that I made it through that difficult experience, and that I managed to keep my head above the Churning Waters. But it's definitely not somewhere I'm ready to return for an extended period of time. I'm not done with my Transition and Olympia most certainly is not done with me.

Employment Non-Discrimination Act

On Wednesday I went to an elementary school to fill out a volunteer for for a work-study position as a tutor. While there, I ended up sitting down for an impromptu job interview. I thought it was gonna be a quick 10-, 15-minutes, but it turned into an hour affair. But ath was ok, because I really needed a job.

As the interview is wrapping up (dropping a few choice words about buses needing to be caught and appts that needed attending), the interviewer glances over my resume and asked me "So, are you gay, lesbian... because we don't feel that's appropriate to discuss in the classroom."  Close-up of my saucer eyes. "I'm a queer person," I replied, before the topic was hastily changed to student demographics. But the question about my sexual orientation just didn't sit well with me.

As I walked away from the school to the bustop, I decided that under no circumstances would I work with that administration at the elementary school.  It brought to mind the essay I read last quarter by a Black queer teacher.  He emphasied the authenticity of being fully present, with all aspects of his Black queer male identity, brought a fuller, richer experience to the classroom and his students. I feel that if I were required to leave my sexuality at the door, an entire portion of my experience would not be able to be accessed to colour my thoughts and expressions.

Needless to say I was incensed. I haven't been that angry and perturbed in a loooong time.  I was still seething when I arrived at SC's office, and I told her about what had happened.  I will never forget how vindicated I felt when she got angry with me.  Apparently the interview at the elementary school has broken the Employment Non-Discrimination Act by asking me about my sexual orientation. Because ti's as SC said, I could have been an ally working with QPoC, and either way the inquiry was totally and completely irrelevant.

I've decided to take action again this gross violation of the law.  I've done some web research on ENDA itself and how it applies to Washington state. I've also talked with numerous people on campus, and will be speaking with more individuals just to get a feel of the best possible and most effective method for notifying not only the interviewer, but also their superiors about this misconduct.

It feels really empowering to be able to actively represent my rights. Although I don't plan on working with this elementary school, let alone the school district, I do hope that the actions I take will make it easier for others who have a passion for working with kids to get through without being harassed or badgered about impertinent issues.

QPoC Confernece

In one week I will  be at the 6th annual Queer People of Colour Conference, taking place at the University of California-Riverside.  Needless to say I am beyond stoked.   To be amongst so many queers, and of Colour... a tiny slice of sanity.. :D

I hope it's all that I am expecting, but I know I always have rather high expectations. So if it's reasonably informative and educational, I'll try and be glad. But it never seems to be enough for me..... ;}

Privilege and....

I have been thinking about privilege a lot over the past two months or so, and also trying to put my lack of privilege into perspective.  I've broken it down into four large categories. Privilege in relation to: gender, class, citizenship, sexuality.

Privilege and Gender

I am a female-bodied, female-identified person who (generally) does my gender. This identity grants me much more privilege than I ever realised.  Since coming to Olympia and interacting more frequently with genderqueer people, I take it for granted a lot less.  For those people who express themselves outside of the gender norm, every situation could possibly end up in violence.  I've heard quite a few tales of difficulties and physical harm from genderqueer people. but also of their resilience and strength to challenge the norm day after day despite the obstacles. 

Privilege and Class

I recently had a revelation about how classist I am against other African-Americans and conversely, how I've been discriminated against based on class by other African-Americans. It took me a long time to break down these disdainful feelings I often had to other African-Americans who did not 'measure up' to my standards of dress, speech, mannerisms etc.  Aside from having them drilled into me  by both society and my other, I was self-projecting.  How did I rank in comparison to other African-Americans, and especially African-American women?  Did I present an appearance better or worse than they?  Was I dressed 'White enough'?  Middle-class enough?  Could my appearance get me through the door without attracting too much attention or encountering too much static?

Now that I realise this biased perspective that I hold, I can work on dismantling it.  But it's difficult, because I think it's the worst '-ism' that I hold.  I can analyse any situation I've been in in the last week and find traces of classism that I've held against people.  However, I am attempting to implement the Seven Steps of Problem Solving, and not being too hard on myself.

Privilege and Citizenship


Roughly one year, before Arizona's SB 1070 passed in Arizona, a some fellow classmates of mine at UCF were debating America's Citizenship Clause.  Person A disagreed entirely with the Clause and thought the US should amend it to align more with European, Middle Eastern and Asian standards regarding citizenship and nationality.  Person B replied that the US was not Europe, the Middle East or Asia.  It was a simple response, but it resonated with me.

The rhetoric being screamed from multiple states regarding immigration reform has also brought to light how fortunate I am to have that blue passport, simply because I was born in the US. I (potentially) have access to services and rights denied millions of individuals despite the fact that they were raised as Americans and currently pay into the tax system.

It's sad to think that a few loud-mouthed racists in their ivory towers have the power to influence so many lives with their signature at the bottom of a piece of paper.  But I can do my part by 1) dropping the I-word (illegals) and 2) challenging individuals who advocate for anti-immigration reform.  Theya re small steps, but I certainly do not underestimate the power of consciousness-raising and getting people to think a little more critically of their beliefs.

Update: I FB'd my friend about this incident and he remembered!  I love RB!!  If he's not in a high profile Deomcrat in 20 years, I'm going to be appalled.

Privilege and Sexuality

This is a bit of a hot issue with me, due in part to many White queers and their notion of 'coming out'.

I will be the first to say that 'coming out' is an important moment for many people. It is when they step outside of the safe confines of hetero-normativity and reject the rigid binary which we all start out in. Now who they choose to 'come out' to is another subject entirely.  Many people think that they need to be 'out, loud and proud' to everyone all of the time.  I'm more inclined to think that it depends on the people around you, the place you are in and most importantly the individual.  Many White queers take for granted that people of colour can be open with their sexualities at all occasions.  They are forgetting their privilege.

Just a few little elements of privilege that I've been mulling over for the past few months. ;)

"Just Choose One"

SS said something to me on Friday that has really had me thinking these past few days. She told me that automatically shutting down any potential desire I may have for Black women is not normal.  I’ve been thinking up reasons as to why I do shut down, and it’s because of the climate towards non-heterosexuals in Orlando, or the South in general. It’s hostile and being from the South (Bible Belt), it was enough to deal with the issue of race without complicating it by adding sexuality to the mix. 

And tonight after watching “Black Is… Black Ain’t” I now have words to express the hostility and tense environment that I came to the realization of my sexuality in.  Basically as a speaker in the film said, being anything other than heterosexual is unacceptable in the Black community and is subject to an automatic exclusion and loss of identity and support.  I wasn’t willing to risk that loss, not in the South.  Out in the NW, the Black community is more open-minded, but I have not forgotten the fear that plagued most of my developing years. 

QPoC

I am a co-coordinator for my campus' Queer People of Colour organisation.  I'll be the first to admit, we have gotten off to a slow start.  But this evening I caught a glimpse of the greatness that awaits us.  Yes we can!  

Initially, I had more of a College Dems outlook.  I thought that people would come with solid ideas of what the organisation would be and do and who it would serve.  That has not been the case....  But I think this is better, more suited to the Northwest, because this is an entirely different world from Orlando.  And also, the Dems have the Organising for America organisation to back them up in all of their activities.  And also they have a wider network and more members.

The fact that I can help build up QPoC is good though.  It is continually teaching me team-building and patience.  And also how to reign in my god complex, because it tends to get a bit out of hand.  I want to solidify QPoC's presence on campus so that when I (finally) graduate in two years, I won't have to worry about it falling to the ground because membership is low or because there isn't motivation to keep moving forward.

Well, those are my hopes.  It's always different because the future is uncertain, and this is Evergreen we're talking about. -__-  But hopefully this org won't fall prey to the lack of interest that has plagued other groups.

If nothing else, I will have gained firsthand leadership knowledge that I can take with me when I (finally) graduate.  I have plans of working in some awesome racial/social justice organisation where I'll have to be able to navigate the group dynamic as well needing to have the leadership abilities and also be able to handle individual projects....  Yeah, and do the whole grad school thing, which encompasses all of the activities I mentioned above.

So, it's about legacy and learning.  Let's get started....

Back to the Beginning

SC, my faculty, told me to start anew with my independent contract, since I seem to have lost my motivation and passion over the last six weeks or so.  This is what I wrote to refocus.  I must stay, I was watching Law & Order SVU and later Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.  In other words, I was utterly distracted. ;)

I write so I don't go crazy. I have so much activity in my head, I have to release it.  Writing is my medium of choice.  I'm going to try my hand at radio/video/photography, because I have an interest in them and i think they're important media forms that have the ability to convey a powerful message.


I first decided to create this independent learning contract because I've recently begun to identify as 'queer'.  As I began to settle into my new identity, I became more aware of how non-heterosexual people are portrayed in the media... and how few queer people of colour are represented.  I had also noticed how few queer people of colour I knew on an individual basis.  The literature i encountered also felt skewered toward the White Experience.


And I began to wonder where the queers of colour were.  I knew they existed (my friends and I could not b the only ones, along with a handful of celebrities!), I just did not know where to find them.  I knew of queers within other culture and countries (the travesti of Brasil, the five genders of Indonesia) but I was looking for specific examples of queers within African-American culture.


It wasn't until I began to research potential books for Evergreen's Queer People of colour library that I realised how much literature was available, not only for African-American queers, but also Latinos, Asian/Pacific Islanders, Middle Easterners/Arabs and Native Americans, and is going to be published within the next year.  Although the amount of works is not really as vast as that of White LGBTQ, it's more than I expected with communities of colour generally being less receptive to queers of colour.


The feeling I get when I see all of the books on queers of colour is a sense of pride.  To know that despite our unique issues being generally misrepresented or ignored by the mainstream, they are being studies and addressed in the academic world give me hope that one day I will be able to switch on the television or read an article in a national newspaper that accurate portrays my experience as a queer person of colour.

Oh yes, that is definitely some jilted writing. -__-

I must mention that 'queer' is a relatively new word in my vocabulary.  In Florida, 'queer' still carries a very negative connotation.  I'd equate it with using the word 'Negro' or 'coloured' to describe an African-American person.  You just don't do it.  But here in this Pacific Northwest bubble, it fine.  But I'm going to try my hardest not to take it for granted that on the other side of the Rockies, and East of the Mississippi it is not acceptable.

Just trying to keep things in perspective for when I head back East.... ;)

Introduction

Ah, new beginnings.

I've decided to start a blog (yes, another one) to collect my thoughts about being a queer person of colour, and more precisely a working-class African-American female queer raised in sunny Orlando during the late 20th- and early 21st-century.

I find that there is very little space in the media where I find experiences that mirror my own.  A little in the queer community, more so in the African-American community, but I find that I need my own space. I snicker as I write this; I've been drinking the Kool-Aid of the Northwest.

I guess this intro will serve as a disclaimer (again, the Northwest Kool-Aid).  I am a product of my historical period and geographical location, among other things, and I make no promises to be diplomatic.  Where I'm from, you say what's on your mind and it's up to the listeners to steel themselves for the often harsh words.  This is the one domain I will speak freely.

Let's get started....