These past two years, I've been really working hard on following my Gut. And lately, Gut has been screaming a tune that I know so well. :eye roll: I have this tendency to ignore Gut, and I have been Hurt because of it....
So this time, I'm going to listen to Gut, even if every fibre of my Being has banded together to sing a rousing chorus of:
OMG PLEASE JUST DOOO IIIIT! LISTEN TO US, IT'LL BE SOOOO GOOOOOOD, WE SWEAAAAR!!
:side eye:
Well, it doesn't feel so good when I find myself sitting on that familiar stoop on the Westside Hill over looking downtown, wondering what the fuck happened to my Heart.
I am a creature of Habit, and this is one I intend to break....
26 February 2013
20 February 2013
Closing Thoughts
Ay Dios, mira el reloj. It's almost 0300 EST and I'm not tired anymore. I sleep better in the afternoon anyways.....
Although I didn't really want to visit, and I've been whining about going home (privately, as I have learnt some tact), this visit to Orlando has been really healing. There's so much abuse and trauma that occurred in this place, so much Hurt that I've associated with Orlando for so log.... and I've grown so much the eighteen months since I've last visited. I honestly don't think I would have lasted as long as I have without the amazing loved ones and support network I've developed in the PNW. Keeping in touch with those folks during this visit has also helped remind me that this trip has a beginning and an end.
Tuesday's adventure to Wekiwa Spring State Park was most definitely the biggest leap down the path towards healing. Being back in the cut, with sand under my feet, Sun on my neck, and palmetto and pine trees and all the the bugs I hated for so long.... It reminded me of those Summers before things got really rough, when I'd spend literally the entire day outdoors wandering through the trees and come home at dusk, sweaty, dirty, and wishing I was back outside.
It was like I found little Mo, who's been lost in the brush for almost 15 years. I've got her hand, and this time we're both leaving this place behind, together.
Although I didn't really want to visit, and I've been whining about going home (privately, as I have learnt some tact), this visit to Orlando has been really healing. There's so much abuse and trauma that occurred in this place, so much Hurt that I've associated with Orlando for so log.... and I've grown so much the eighteen months since I've last visited. I honestly don't think I would have lasted as long as I have without the amazing loved ones and support network I've developed in the PNW. Keeping in touch with those folks during this visit has also helped remind me that this trip has a beginning and an end.
Tuesday's adventure to Wekiwa Spring State Park was most definitely the biggest leap down the path towards healing. Being back in the cut, with sand under my feet, Sun on my neck, and palmetto and pine trees and all the the bugs I hated for so long.... It reminded me of those Summers before things got really rough, when I'd spend literally the entire day outdoors wandering through the trees and come home at dusk, sweaty, dirty, and wishing I was back outside.
It was like I found little Mo, who's been lost in the brush for almost 15 years. I've got her hand, and this time we're both leaving this place behind, together.
16 February 2013
The Talk
Tonight I talked with my mom and younger sister, stinky, about how they can support me as a trans*person. I feel like the last eighteen months were preparation for this discussion, and I have a lot of folks to thank for giving me strength and tools and clarity of mind to find the words.
Firstly, I have to say how proud I am of myself for not shirking away from a serious discussion that's needed to happen. I feel like the last time I attempted to communicate face to face with family, I was less than articulate. Not so this time.
I'm also really proud of myself for keeping my temper, for the most part. I have the tendency to let my... passion get away from me, but I took deep breaths (thanks Tex) and kept my head in the game. It must have been the most present I've been in weeks. I'd forgotten I be so in the moment....
We talked about how much I appreciate their efforts to get the rest of my Orlando network in line with my name and pronouns. This is often the biggest hurdle to overcome because it involves recognising me as the person I say I am, rather than who I was told I was supposed to be. I'm happy to write that everyone respected my name; the pronouns were spotty and that's something I see improving with time. I'm a patient Hufflepuff....
We talked about the awkward conversations with relatives and friends who aren't aware that I'm transitioning, and the questions that arise when they ask my mom about her 'son' or my sister about her 'other brother'. There was a lot of unanticipated pushback from my mom. I didn't realise it at the time, but she's still reeling about me coming into my trans* identity. There were a lot of hurtful things said that I'm still processing. I had the opportunity to share with her some examples from my daily experience as a trans* person, the difficulties I encounter and don't have the option of ignoring or walking away from. I really hope I was able to make some headway so that she can move past her initial anxiety to get the support she needs from accurate sources. Like, not the DSM-V or anything related to Western psychiatry. :shudder:
We talked about finding resources of support for them as family of a trans* person. Orlando is rather lacking gender resources (SURPRISE!!), so I'm going to find a few to kickstart things. Keep in mind that I'm not going to hand-hold--I would hope that my loved ones will do their own research to educate themselves.
I have to say I'm so fucking grateful for my sister stinky. I wouldn't have made it through this discussion without her. She interrupted so much oppression and was right there with me as shit got real. There were numerous times I felt unsteady or uncertain in my emotions, and stinky's passion and conviction reminded me that my feelings of frustration and hurt are valid and that I have a right to feel what I feel, regardless of others' opinions. And also that I deserve to be heard in what I have to say. I'm so glad I have her.
All in all a good start to this conversation. And now I am quite ready to get back on the plane to the rainy PNW, where tea and snuggles with friends await me.
This Gemini is completely worn out.
Firstly, I have to say how proud I am of myself for not shirking away from a serious discussion that's needed to happen. I feel like the last time I attempted to communicate face to face with family, I was less than articulate. Not so this time.
I'm also really proud of myself for keeping my temper, for the most part. I have the tendency to let my... passion get away from me, but I took deep breaths (thanks Tex) and kept my head in the game. It must have been the most present I've been in weeks. I'd forgotten I be so in the moment....
We talked about how much I appreciate their efforts to get the rest of my Orlando network in line with my name and pronouns. This is often the biggest hurdle to overcome because it involves recognising me as the person I say I am, rather than who I was told I was supposed to be. I'm happy to write that everyone respected my name; the pronouns were spotty and that's something I see improving with time. I'm a patient Hufflepuff....
We talked about the awkward conversations with relatives and friends who aren't aware that I'm transitioning, and the questions that arise when they ask my mom about her 'son' or my sister about her 'other brother'. There was a lot of unanticipated pushback from my mom. I didn't realise it at the time, but she's still reeling about me coming into my trans* identity. There were a lot of hurtful things said that I'm still processing. I had the opportunity to share with her some examples from my daily experience as a trans* person, the difficulties I encounter and don't have the option of ignoring or walking away from. I really hope I was able to make some headway so that she can move past her initial anxiety to get the support she needs from accurate sources. Like, not the DSM-V or anything related to Western psychiatry. :shudder:
We talked about finding resources of support for them as family of a trans* person. Orlando is rather lacking gender resources (SURPRISE!!), so I'm going to find a few to kickstart things. Keep in mind that I'm not going to hand-hold--I would hope that my loved ones will do their own research to educate themselves.
I have to say I'm so fucking grateful for my sister stinky. I wouldn't have made it through this discussion without her. She interrupted so much oppression and was right there with me as shit got real. There were numerous times I felt unsteady or uncertain in my emotions, and stinky's passion and conviction reminded me that my feelings of frustration and hurt are valid and that I have a right to feel what I feel, regardless of others' opinions. And also that I deserve to be heard in what I have to say. I'm so glad I have her.
All in all a good start to this conversation. And now I am quite ready to get back on the plane to the rainy PNW, where tea and snuggles with friends await me.
This Gemini is completely worn out.
The Family
Today was hard. Really hard. I saw most of my Orlando family today. And it was hard. Really hard.
It's always hard to be made invisible. It may be inadvertent--that doesn't change the fact that it hurts. And I also have to recognise the family members who do see me, like my cousins, my sisters, and one of my aunts. Knowing that I can be whole with them makes being with family a lot easier.
Oh, family....
It's always hard to be made invisible. It may be inadvertent--that doesn't change the fact that it hurts. And I also have to recognise the family members who do see me, like my cousins, my sisters, and one of my aunts. Knowing that I can be whole with them makes being with family a lot easier.
Oh, family....
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