I reckon I should update on my Spring Break Adventure. It's now been downgraded to one trip, and one Conference.
I decided not to attend the MEChA National Conference in Phoenix. I had not realised how anxious I was about going, until I decided I wasn't. I had a great talk with my Libra to break down my anxieties. Basically, MECha has a long way to go to be an inclusive space for queer and trans* folx, and I wasn't about to be the poster child/scapegoat. I made the decision today that I won't be going to any. I feel my energy is better spent elsewhere.
Because I didn't go to MEChACon, I didn't have to worry about finding my way from Phoenix to LA, didn't have to worry about staying at stranger's houses and the expense of traveling in LA. That gives me a headache just thinking about it.
Now I just have to worry about traveling from here to LA with two awesome folx. I am so stoked to spend time with my Twin and their friend. There's nothing like a 27-hour bus ride to help with bonding. That is, if I can stay awake. -___-
I find I'm not as excited for the Queer People of colour Conference as I was a few weeks ago. have a list of anxieties that can go on and on, like meeting new people, being around so many people, going to workshops and being around new people, being with people I don't know... But then I remember that I can always leave the workshop and get some solitude.
And I also know that this is all performance anxiety. When I'm at the Conf, I'll turn it on like a light switch and be marvelous. But I haven't been this nervous about a trip in ages. Oh, well, there's also the factor of talking with so-n-so that's got my colon spazzing out like a two-year-old who ate too many oranges. :le sigh:
I think a few deep breaths and some Immodium AD will set me right. I just wish I was there already :/
27 March 2012
22 March 2012
Emotional Constipation
I feel like I'm going to emotionally vomit. Well, actually, I did this evening. In my room. All over the walls and my neatly packed clothes that are ready for the QPOCCon next week. IT was really quite the show. I should have recorded it.
Everything is fine when I wake up. I have clarity about my growing feelings for so-n-so, and things are great. And then I get to campus.
I think it's the monotony of my job and also the horribly loud environment. My ears are too sensitive for that location and I always end up with headaches/general crankiness. Add to that this emotional turmoil I've been putting myself through because I'm not listening to my Intuition (who knows exactly how everything 's going to play out, btw). I have to recount how this week has been so far in order to do justise to the SNAFU that today was.
Monday: Gemini swagg to the nth. I was playing the game smooth
Tuesday: More of the same. More intentional flirting, and a lot of tongue biting to stop word vomiting
Mericoles: Ambivalence. But when I got home the Flood came and it's all on video for posterity
Jueves: Emotional constipation. I swear I have emotional hemorrhoids from all the straining I did to get anything out. And I could hardly to the person who needed to hear it the most. But with my friends, it was like diarrhea. This hard swinging did a number on my mental state, which led to the horrible temper tantrum I had this evening after receiving a certain txt msg. I mean, my id was out of control. She hasn't behaved like that since 2007 when I was in community college. But I worked it all out, and a resolution has been reached, and I"m going to stick by it (even if it means throwing my phone into a creek). :}
This has been one of the most trying weeks, kind of like last week, except by this time last week, I was having the Best Week Ever. I'm glad I recorded it, cause I'll need the buoy. ;/ But I'm actually feeling a lot better. I still need to let a bit more out via vlog, but I'm feeling much more balanced. It's times like these that I wish I had more Earth in my Star chart. Maybe it would help with my mood swings?
I started by writing a bit down this afternoon when I was feeling most tense, and it really helped articulate things. Mhmm. :D I just need to do that when I feel like I'm gong to overflow. Which means a lot more writing in the near future.
I have the solution though: express myself, even if it hurts, even if I'm rejected, even if I trip and fumble and can't find the exact words to suit my Gemini. It will be challenging, but si yo puedo. I should just grit my teeth and get on with it. I'll thank myself later.
Everything is fine when I wake up. I have clarity about my growing feelings for so-n-so, and things are great. And then I get to campus.
I think it's the monotony of my job and also the horribly loud environment. My ears are too sensitive for that location and I always end up with headaches/general crankiness. Add to that this emotional turmoil I've been putting myself through because I'm not listening to my Intuition (who knows exactly how everything 's going to play out, btw). I have to recount how this week has been so far in order to do justise to the SNAFU that today was.
Monday: Gemini swagg to the nth. I was playing the game smooth
Tuesday: More of the same. More intentional flirting, and a lot of tongue biting to stop word vomiting
Mericoles: Ambivalence. But when I got home the Flood came and it's all on video for posterity
Jueves: Emotional constipation. I swear I have emotional hemorrhoids from all the straining I did to get anything out. And I could hardly to the person who needed to hear it the most. But with my friends, it was like diarrhea. This hard swinging did a number on my mental state, which led to the horrible temper tantrum I had this evening after receiving a certain txt msg. I mean, my id was out of control. She hasn't behaved like that since 2007 when I was in community college. But I worked it all out, and a resolution has been reached, and I"m going to stick by it (even if it means throwing my phone into a creek). :}
This has been one of the most trying weeks, kind of like last week, except by this time last week, I was having the Best Week Ever. I'm glad I recorded it, cause I'll need the buoy. ;/ But I'm actually feeling a lot better. I still need to let a bit more out via vlog, but I'm feeling much more balanced. It's times like these that I wish I had more Earth in my Star chart. Maybe it would help with my mood swings?
I started by writing a bit down this afternoon when I was feeling most tense, and it really helped articulate things. Mhmm. :D I just need to do that when I feel like I'm gong to overflow. Which means a lot more writing in the near future.
I have the solution though: express myself, even if it hurts, even if I'm rejected, even if I trip and fumble and can't find the exact words to suit my Gemini. It will be challenging, but si yo puedo. I should just grit my teeth and get on with it. I'll thank myself later.
"You Got It Bad"
Oh Usher....
I first heard this song (and the entire Confessions album) in high school, thanks to my sister playing it on a white knuckle loop as loud as the stereo would go. -___- He's not my favourite artist, by any means, but listening to the lyrics (against my will) gave me some time to reflect on just what this man is singing about.
To me, it sounds like obsessive love. Now, I'm not to judge whether that's healthy or not, but I feel it's mis-representative, to say the least, of what intimate romantic Love can be like. And for the millions of folks who consume mainstream media, I fear this is the only way they know how to Love.
It's also perpetuating the stereotype that Black men always step out on Black womyn, which annoys me to no end. Pathologising Black love, yet again!! :seethes: I'm not trying to be all up in other folks' relationships. And those holier than thou finger-pointers act like White men, Arab men, multiracial men, Latinos, Asian men, don't do the same. Humans are serial monogamists (at best) and it's unhealthy and irrational to assume that people will have sex with only one other person "till death do they part". I've been cringing over that phrase since I was eight. But to force folks into that box 'monogamous', and assume that there are no other ways to express sexuality/ties, is Oppressive (and limiting) to say the least. Where are the poly folks, and the asexuals?
Another thing that irks me about this video and the message it sends, is the fact that it's (c)overtly promoting the romantic relationship above all others. AS if friendships, familial relationships, working relationships haven't sustained you and thus deserve to take a backseat to this person whom you prize above all others. Emeshed couples make me nauseous. :grabs bucket: You were your own person before and (keep it up!!!) you'll have to be your own person after this relationship ends.
------------
But Usher does look fresh 2 deff. Swagg to the nth and damn can he dance! Gotta appreciate those bruthas keepin' it fly.
I first heard this song (and the entire Confessions album) in high school, thanks to my sister playing it on a white knuckle loop as loud as the stereo would go. -___- He's not my favourite artist, by any means, but listening to the lyrics (against my will) gave me some time to reflect on just what this man is singing about.
To me, it sounds like obsessive love. Now, I'm not to judge whether that's healthy or not, but I feel it's mis-representative, to say the least, of what intimate romantic Love can be like. And for the millions of folks who consume mainstream media, I fear this is the only way they know how to Love.
It's also perpetuating the stereotype that Black men always step out on Black womyn, which annoys me to no end. Pathologising Black love, yet again!! :seethes: I'm not trying to be all up in other folks' relationships. And those holier than thou finger-pointers act like White men, Arab men, multiracial men, Latinos, Asian men, don't do the same. Humans are serial monogamists (at best) and it's unhealthy and irrational to assume that people will have sex with only one other person "till death do they part". I've been cringing over that phrase since I was eight. But to force folks into that box 'monogamous', and assume that there are no other ways to express sexuality/ties, is Oppressive (and limiting) to say the least. Where are the poly folks, and the asexuals?
Another thing that irks me about this video and the message it sends, is the fact that it's (c)overtly promoting the romantic relationship above all others. AS if friendships, familial relationships, working relationships haven't sustained you and thus deserve to take a backseat to this person whom you prize above all others. Emeshed couples make me nauseous. :grabs bucket: You were your own person before and (keep it up!!!) you'll have to be your own person after this relationship ends.
------------
But Usher does look fresh 2 deff. Swagg to the nth and damn can he dance! Gotta appreciate those bruthas keepin' it fly.
16 March 2012
Feminine Boi
Haha, I finally found it!! The term that describes me, at least for the mo'. ^__^
I actually got the term here, and quared it. And Frankie is hella fine, I just have to throw that out there. I'm looking forward to meeting them at the Queer People of Colour Conference in a few weeks!!
I like being expressing masculine of center. I like having an anchor in 'masculinity', whatever that means, but also still maintaining this sense of femininity I have... learned over time.I dunno, maybe it was there but didn't fit into the forms acceptable to society. I'm also Black, so that's a completely different spin on 'femininity', 'masculinity' and gender and general. That being said, I feel like feminine boi most accurately describes my gender expression.
I feel like I can expand on this so much more, but right now, I feel like dancing.
I actually got the term here, and quared it. And Frankie is hella fine, I just have to throw that out there. I'm looking forward to meeting them at the Queer People of Colour Conference in a few weeks!!
I like being expressing masculine of center. I like having an anchor in 'masculinity', whatever that means, but also still maintaining this sense of femininity I have... learned over time.I dunno, maybe it was there but didn't fit into the forms acceptable to society. I'm also Black, so that's a completely different spin on 'femininity', 'masculinity' and gender and general. That being said, I feel like feminine boi most accurately describes my gender expression.
I feel like I can expand on this so much more, but right now, I feel like dancing.
15 March 2012
Safe Space
Today was a trying day. As I was walking home up the Eastside hill I reflected on how many times my identity was invalidated today by people mis-pronouning me or not using my preferred name. It's really amazing I'm still corporeal at this moment, because by rights, I should have de-materialised by now.
I've reached the conclusion that there are very few safe spaces for me anymore. I'm getting really tired of the cissexism, to the point where I want to punch people in the nose when they forget to use my preferred name and/or pronoun.
One of my friends flubbed up today, again, and their defence was "Sorry, I'm still getting used to your new name." Ok? So am I. Don't you think it was and is difficult for me? I've only had it for some 25 years, no big deal. All I could do was glare at them. They got the hint. I feel like my day's frustrations came pouring out on that individual. I've reached my quota for today; I can't care about their feelings anymore. I'll try again tomorrow.
I also had a discussion with another friend about being an ally, even when I'm not around. It's amazing how people can be great about race and sexism, but when it comes to cissexism, they need a tutorial. Why is the game so different? Oppression is oppression. Or at least, it is in my book.....
I'm so tired... but tomorrow is another day and I've got to put on my boots and walk through the ish all day.
I've reached the conclusion that there are very few safe spaces for me anymore. I'm getting really tired of the cissexism, to the point where I want to punch people in the nose when they forget to use my preferred name and/or pronoun.
One of my friends flubbed up today, again, and their defence was "Sorry, I'm still getting used to your new name." Ok? So am I. Don't you think it was and is difficult for me? I've only had it for some 25 years, no big deal. All I could do was glare at them. They got the hint. I feel like my day's frustrations came pouring out on that individual. I've reached my quota for today; I can't care about their feelings anymore. I'll try again tomorrow.
I also had a discussion with another friend about being an ally, even when I'm not around. It's amazing how people can be great about race and sexism, but when it comes to cissexism, they need a tutorial. Why is the game so different? Oppression is oppression. Or at least, it is in my book.....
I'm so tired... but tomorrow is another day and I've got to put on my boots and walk through the ish all day.
12 March 2012
KEY Final Reflective Paper
I'm still awake. I finished my research paper, except for the conclusion, and I figured sice I'm awake, I ought to just go ahead and work on the other paper I have due. Here goes.
---------------
This quarter has been worse and better than the ones before it.
Academically, the quarter was abysmal. The program I registered for, Exclusion in America: Who Belongs, looked divine. I was really interested in learning about US history and how particular populations have been excluded through the history of this nation. However, I was severely disappointed due to the faculty's disorganisation and lack of professionalism. The space was not safe to discuss issues of oppression or discrimination, which defeated the purpose of even having the class. It was really... disappointing. I almost feel it was a waste of my out-of-state tuition.
With the reduced class load, I was able to focus most of my energy on myself, somethingthatt was desperately needed. This was the quarter that I finally resolved the swirling storm of gender identity that's been occurring for the better part of the last decade. I had no idea how much tumult I was undergoing, until I overcame it. Coming out as trans* has released a tension I've been holding for far too long. I feel that I am able to relate to my world in a much deeper capacity.This new capacity will definitely help me in the future, as I continue my education and also re-enter the professional workforce.
My goal is to work with Black queer and trans* youth in a mentorship and educational capacity. I would ideally like to incorporate the medium of radio, training the youth to be able to tell their own stories to make their mark on the world. I think the best avenue I can take academically is to educate myself on pertinent issues impact this particular community, which isn't difficult since I am also influenced by these things. If I am able to get a tuition waiver and stay for another academic school year, I plan on focusing my energy on intercepts, probably in the Tacoma/Seattle area where it will be easier to find the population I want to work with. As far as formal training, I haven't researched much. KAOS' radio training program tracks it's participants to on-air radio shows, where my interests are more in the audio production area. Hopefully I will be able to find a place or formal program where I can acquire those skills.
------
My brain needs sleep. I'm going to sleep at... 605. It's going to be a loooong day. :/
---------------
This quarter has been worse and better than the ones before it.
Academically, the quarter was abysmal. The program I registered for, Exclusion in America: Who Belongs, looked divine. I was really interested in learning about US history and how particular populations have been excluded through the history of this nation. However, I was severely disappointed due to the faculty's disorganisation and lack of professionalism. The space was not safe to discuss issues of oppression or discrimination, which defeated the purpose of even having the class. It was really... disappointing. I almost feel it was a waste of my out-of-state tuition.
With the reduced class load, I was able to focus most of my energy on myself, somethingthatt was desperately needed. This was the quarter that I finally resolved the swirling storm of gender identity that's been occurring for the better part of the last decade. I had no idea how much tumult I was undergoing, until I overcame it. Coming out as trans* has released a tension I've been holding for far too long. I feel that I am able to relate to my world in a much deeper capacity.This new capacity will definitely help me in the future, as I continue my education and also re-enter the professional workforce.
My goal is to work with Black queer and trans* youth in a mentorship and educational capacity. I would ideally like to incorporate the medium of radio, training the youth to be able to tell their own stories to make their mark on the world. I think the best avenue I can take academically is to educate myself on pertinent issues impact this particular community, which isn't difficult since I am also influenced by these things. If I am able to get a tuition waiver and stay for another academic school year, I plan on focusing my energy on intercepts, probably in the Tacoma/Seattle area where it will be easier to find the population I want to work with. As far as formal training, I haven't researched much. KAOS' radio training program tracks it's participants to on-air radio shows, where my interests are more in the audio production area. Hopefully I will be able to find a place or formal program where I can acquire those skills.
------
My brain needs sleep. I'm going to sleep at... 605. It's going to be a loooong day. :/
09 March 2012
How to Be a Part of My Support Network
I want to begin by saying that we all need support, especially in this political climate. We have Republicans who are trying to cut benefits to millions of the US population because they "don't want to give food stamps to Black people", who trying to get all up in womyn's bodies and police their reproductive rights, and fools who are trying to colonise the moon. -___- People and their identities are under attack and it is in times like these that we need to be especially mindful of the ways in which we are helping this capitalist, patriarchal, racist, etc. system to continue to oppress our people.
That being said, I have recently come to identify as trans*. I've been adjusting not only to this new identity and new perspective, but also coming under fire for having this trans* identity. I've been policed by society, the general public, but also from friends and loved ones. I want to use this space to create a list of how those around me can be more supportive as I navigate this grossly transphobic world.
I want to emphasise that this is MY list. I cannot speak for other trans* folx, nor would I be so egotistical as to try. These are things that will make my day-to-day life easier to deal with, especially as I carry so many target identities. But I'm specifically using this space to focus on my gender identity as trans*.
Commence list....
1) My name is Auri. Call me Auri, because I said my name is Auri.
2) I use they, them, and theirs gender pronouns. He, him, his are ok too.
3) I identify as trans*, transgender and genderqueer. Are those new terms for you? Great!! Educate yourself by clicking on the links and also Googling them in your spare time.
4) If you hear someone refer to me by a name or gender pronoun that is not listed above, please correct them. This is a serious part of being an ally to me.
5) Use my preferred name and gender pronouns even when I am not present. I use your preferred name and pronouns, and I expect the same respect in return.
6) If I get angry at you for making a transphobic comment, don't deny it. Own your mistake. Then use the experience to educate yourself and ensure you don't make the same mistake again. Also note, that I am not the go-to trans*, gender, or sexuality resource. Google is great. Also see #3.
7) If we are in a space and someone makes a comment that is offensive and/or oppressive to trans*folx, speak up. I should not always have to be the one to educate others about gender, queer issues, trans* issues, or any other marginalised group.
8) Realise that oppressions cannot be ranked; that is, race is not more oppressive than gender is not more oppressive than immigration status is not more oppressive than class, etc. They operate as an amazingly efficient network of patriarchy and are all interconnected.
9) If you cannot respect the above eight items, our relationship may not last much longer.
End of transmission....
Again, I emphasise that this is MY list of support. I cannot and will not speak for others and how their needs can be addressed. Feel free to share this with people you know I interact with. And if you have any questions regarding my support list, contact me. Also, let me know how I can support you. We're all in this together after all....
Check out these resources!! This is by no means an exhaustive list.
Transphobia
I Am Cissexist
Still No Freedom Rainbow for Transgender People of Color
Trans & People of Color Disproportionately Targeted
What Allies of Trans People Can Do (video)
That being said, I have recently come to identify as trans*. I've been adjusting not only to this new identity and new perspective, but also coming under fire for having this trans* identity. I've been policed by society, the general public, but also from friends and loved ones. I want to use this space to create a list of how those around me can be more supportive as I navigate this grossly transphobic world.
I want to emphasise that this is MY list. I cannot speak for other trans* folx, nor would I be so egotistical as to try. These are things that will make my day-to-day life easier to deal with, especially as I carry so many target identities. But I'm specifically using this space to focus on my gender identity as trans*.
Commence list....
1) My name is Auri. Call me Auri, because I said my name is Auri.
2) I use they, them, and theirs gender pronouns. He, him, his are ok too.
3) I identify as trans*, transgender and genderqueer. Are those new terms for you? Great!! Educate yourself by clicking on the links and also Googling them in your spare time.
4) If you hear someone refer to me by a name or gender pronoun that is not listed above, please correct them. This is a serious part of being an ally to me.
5) Use my preferred name and gender pronouns even when I am not present. I use your preferred name and pronouns, and I expect the same respect in return.
6) If I get angry at you for making a transphobic comment, don't deny it. Own your mistake. Then use the experience to educate yourself and ensure you don't make the same mistake again. Also note, that I am not the go-to trans*, gender, or sexuality resource. Google is great. Also see #3.
7) If we are in a space and someone makes a comment that is offensive and/or oppressive to trans*folx, speak up. I should not always have to be the one to educate others about gender, queer issues, trans* issues, or any other marginalised group.
8) Realise that oppressions cannot be ranked; that is, race is not more oppressive than gender is not more oppressive than immigration status is not more oppressive than class, etc. They operate as an amazingly efficient network of patriarchy and are all interconnected.
9) If you cannot respect the above eight items, our relationship may not last much longer.
End of transmission....
Again, I emphasise that this is MY list of support. I cannot and will not speak for others and how their needs can be addressed. Feel free to share this with people you know I interact with. And if you have any questions regarding my support list, contact me. Also, let me know how I can support you. We're all in this together after all....
Check out these resources!! This is by no means an exhaustive list.
Transphobia
I Am Cissexist
Still No Freedom Rainbow for Transgender People of Color
Trans & People of Color Disproportionately Targeted
What Allies of Trans People Can Do (video)
08 March 2012
Greedy
As I was walking (yes walking!) to the busstop this morning, I was reflecting on all of the qpoc first person account I've heard about being their queer/trans* selves and having a relationship with their natal families. There aren't many I know of who are out and have family relations or have family relations but aren't out. Maybe that was the same thing twice, but it's really an either/or in many cases. Let's break this down.
There is racism in the mainstream queer... scene. It was recently brought to my attention that it isn't much of a community if a group of people are being actively excluded. But the queer scene is hella racist, and when it does accept (read: tolerate) people of colour, there is much fetishisation of POC. Think of any gross stereotype about any colour ethnicity (usually conjured up by white colonialists) and you can find it positively thriving in the Queer Scene. It's quite disgusting to think that the only way a POC will be accepted is by having themselves oppressively objectified, but it's a sad reality.
**update**
I should give an example of an exoticised racial identity in the queer scene. One of the first that pops to mind is the Southeast Asian (Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam) fetishisation. There are multiple things operating here that are cloaked as 'preference', but let's focus on race. There's this 'fascination' with eye shape and the fine-bone frame. There's an assumption that SE Asian men are passive and acquiescent and innocent, much like one of the stereotypes pushed on SEAsian womyn. I read an essay about the Chinadoll/dragon lady phenomenon. It's absolutely nauseating. Orientalism at it's finest.
***
There is rampant homo-/transphobia within communities of colour. Since I'm Black, I will only speak for my community, though I know there are common themes throughout other POC comms. The Black Church is horribly homo-/tansphobic, to the point of saying that HIV/AIDS is the consequence of lving this 'lifestyle'. Abhorrent beliefs, to say the least. And even when Black kids come out to their parents, they are dragged into the church to "pray away the gay" or told "I still love you, but it's only a matter of time before you meet the nice man/woman". Ignorance and a lack of open-mindedness cause these responses and leave our queer/trans* folks without the support they need, and further split our already damaged community.
Now, back to my early-morning thoughts.
When it comes to natal families and being true to one's self, it's a hard compromise. I'll talk a little about my experience.
My family aren't a close bunch. There was a lot of abuse that occurred in my maternal family and they've never worked on their ish, so the trauma continues. My emotional support has never come from my family, and I find that I'm seeking it now. I guess that longing for an actual intimate connection with those people who share so much of who I am is overcoming me in my old age. :P Anyway, I feel a huge tear in wanting to have a relationship with them, and being able to be my Authentic Self.
I know for a fact that my relatives will give me a hard time for being trans*. They give me a hard time anyway for the choices I've made (i.e. going to college, moving across the country), much less for adopting a gender that allows me to be more of myself. And I'm not sure I have the patience or emotional strength to deal with their ignorance any time soon. Which makes me feel like I'm asking too much to have familial support and the freedom to express myself however I choose.
As I was walking to the busstop I felt greedy for wanting both, and perhaps a little envious of people who have both. Is it really asking too much? Sometiems I feel like it is, esp as a person of colour. My mom knows I date womyn, but I haven't told her I'm trans* because I'm taking a break from our relationship. But even though my mom said "I'm her child and she'll always love me" that doesn't say anything about acceptance or being an ally.
For me, acceptance means more than giving someone love. It means educating yourself on the way in which your loved one's identity operates in society. It means more having difficult conversations about identity. It means challenging your assumptions and recognising the ways in which your privilege operates. It means looking beyond yourself and realising that the world has many oppressions and they are all interconnected and affect all of us. Somehow I'm reluctant to believe my relatives are ready to go this hard.... I might be wrong, but at this time, I'm not ready to try to get them to go this hard. My reserves are to depleted at the mo'.
But this topic of "greed" is something I think about often. I don't have an answer as to whether it is greedy to want both, but I wish things were differnet for POC and relations with their families.
And I swear to GAWD if I hear another 'it gets better' from anyone, I will list every single one of the ways in which Dan Savage can shove that line and all of the videos it 'inspired' up his white scrawny racist ass. Don't get me started on that prick....
There is racism in the mainstream queer... scene. It was recently brought to my attention that it isn't much of a community if a group of people are being actively excluded. But the queer scene is hella racist, and when it does accept (read: tolerate) people of colour, there is much fetishisation of POC. Think of any gross stereotype about any colour ethnicity (usually conjured up by white colonialists) and you can find it positively thriving in the Queer Scene. It's quite disgusting to think that the only way a POC will be accepted is by having themselves oppressively objectified, but it's a sad reality.
**update**
I should give an example of an exoticised racial identity in the queer scene. One of the first that pops to mind is the Southeast Asian (Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam) fetishisation. There are multiple things operating here that are cloaked as 'preference', but let's focus on race. There's this 'fascination' with eye shape and the fine-bone frame. There's an assumption that SE Asian men are passive and acquiescent and innocent, much like one of the stereotypes pushed on SEAsian womyn. I read an essay about the Chinadoll/dragon lady phenomenon. It's absolutely nauseating. Orientalism at it's finest.
***
There is rampant homo-/transphobia within communities of colour. Since I'm Black, I will only speak for my community, though I know there are common themes throughout other POC comms. The Black Church is horribly homo-/tansphobic, to the point of saying that HIV/AIDS is the consequence of lving this 'lifestyle'. Abhorrent beliefs, to say the least. And even when Black kids come out to their parents, they are dragged into the church to "pray away the gay" or told "I still love you, but it's only a matter of time before you meet the nice man/woman". Ignorance and a lack of open-mindedness cause these responses and leave our queer/trans* folks without the support they need, and further split our already damaged community.
Now, back to my early-morning thoughts.
When it comes to natal families and being true to one's self, it's a hard compromise. I'll talk a little about my experience.
My family aren't a close bunch. There was a lot of abuse that occurred in my maternal family and they've never worked on their ish, so the trauma continues. My emotional support has never come from my family, and I find that I'm seeking it now. I guess that longing for an actual intimate connection with those people who share so much of who I am is overcoming me in my old age. :P Anyway, I feel a huge tear in wanting to have a relationship with them, and being able to be my Authentic Self.
I know for a fact that my relatives will give me a hard time for being trans*. They give me a hard time anyway for the choices I've made (i.e. going to college, moving across the country), much less for adopting a gender that allows me to be more of myself. And I'm not sure I have the patience or emotional strength to deal with their ignorance any time soon. Which makes me feel like I'm asking too much to have familial support and the freedom to express myself however I choose.
As I was walking to the busstop I felt greedy for wanting both, and perhaps a little envious of people who have both. Is it really asking too much? Sometiems I feel like it is, esp as a person of colour. My mom knows I date womyn, but I haven't told her I'm trans* because I'm taking a break from our relationship. But even though my mom said "I'm her child and she'll always love me" that doesn't say anything about acceptance or being an ally.
For me, acceptance means more than giving someone love. It means educating yourself on the way in which your loved one's identity operates in society. It means more having difficult conversations about identity. It means challenging your assumptions and recognising the ways in which your privilege operates. It means looking beyond yourself and realising that the world has many oppressions and they are all interconnected and affect all of us. Somehow I'm reluctant to believe my relatives are ready to go this hard.... I might be wrong, but at this time, I'm not ready to try to get them to go this hard. My reserves are to depleted at the mo'.
But this topic of "greed" is something I think about often. I don't have an answer as to whether it is greedy to want both, but I wish things were differnet for POC and relations with their families.
And I swear to GAWD if I hear another 'it gets better' from anyone, I will list every single one of the ways in which Dan Savage can shove that line and all of the videos it 'inspired' up his white scrawny racist ass. Don't get me started on that prick....
Queer People of Colour Conference
Last night I had a boost that reminded me what and why I've been waiting a year to go to this conference. Well, that what was more like a someone, but that's for another post. ;)
Last year was the my first QPOCCon. I heard about it in October, and I tried to get as many folks as possible to go with me. Unfortunately, as so often happens, it all fell through. Rather than getting state funding to go, it was on our own dollar. And by "our" I mean two friends and myself. But it was still an amazing experience, maybe even moreso because it.
Last year was the first time I'd been surrounded by so many queer people, and people of colour. It made for a beautiful mix and I reveled in it. Add to that the bright California sun and you had a very happy Gemini. Contentment doesn't even begin to describe how I felt.
I enjoyed the atmosphere more than any of the workshops. In my opinion, there wasn't enough time to really delve into the topics like I would have wanted. But as usual, I want a lot. The best we got was a superficial idea of what we were supposed to be talking abot. Hopefully this year will be better organised to make sure this happens.
Something I'd like to focus on this year is networking. I really want to use this time to connect and build relationships with as many folks as possible. this is a once-a-year opportunity and I'll be damned if i don't exploit it like the white man exploits people of colour. Damn, that sounds really bad, but I'm going to take full advantage of the situation. Metaphors be damned.
Another area I'd like to focus on is potentially focus on is connecting on a more personal level. I know I said a few days ago that I'm not dtf, but that doesn't mean I can't flirt shamelessly. It's a conference for gawd's sake. And I need to practise being more outgoing; what better place to do it than, arguably, one of the safest spaces I'll be all year. :) My Twin already said they'd help me break the ice; they're so smooth they make me look like chunky peanut butter. :/ ... but there's no time for tears!! I need to do some serious budgeting because I need to buy some damn shorts. I can't go to Phoenix and LA with just jean pants. It's time to show off my hairy, flac@ legs!!
Last year was the my first QPOCCon. I heard about it in October, and I tried to get as many folks as possible to go with me. Unfortunately, as so often happens, it all fell through. Rather than getting state funding to go, it was on our own dollar. And by "our" I mean two friends and myself. But it was still an amazing experience, maybe even moreso because it.
Last year was the first time I'd been surrounded by so many queer people, and people of colour. It made for a beautiful mix and I reveled in it. Add to that the bright California sun and you had a very happy Gemini. Contentment doesn't even begin to describe how I felt.
I enjoyed the atmosphere more than any of the workshops. In my opinion, there wasn't enough time to really delve into the topics like I would have wanted. But as usual, I want a lot. The best we got was a superficial idea of what we were supposed to be talking abot. Hopefully this year will be better organised to make sure this happens.
Something I'd like to focus on this year is networking. I really want to use this time to connect and build relationships with as many folks as possible. this is a once-a-year opportunity and I'll be damned if i don't exploit it like the white man exploits people of colour. Damn, that sounds really bad, but I'm going to take full advantage of the situation. Metaphors be damned.
Another area I'd like to focus on is potentially focus on is connecting on a more personal level. I know I said a few days ago that I'm not dtf, but that doesn't mean I can't flirt shamelessly. It's a conference for gawd's sake. And I need to practise being more outgoing; what better place to do it than, arguably, one of the safest spaces I'll be all year. :) My Twin already said they'd help me break the ice; they're so smooth they make me look like chunky peanut butter. :/ ... but there's no time for tears!! I need to do some serious budgeting because I need to buy some damn shorts. I can't go to Phoenix and LA with just jean pants. It's time to show off my hairy, flac@ legs!!
05 March 2012
(no title)
Currently, I'm composing a story that takes place roughtly 15 years int eh future. It' about young love, as one of my main character's kids experiences his first romances and sexual encounters. Ezra's a great kid.
All of this thinking about young love and first times has me thinking, hoping, and maybe a little optimistic about my own romantic horizons. And then I remember I live in Olympia, in the Pacific Northwest..., and I get just a bit more depressed. There are other things playing into that depression.. but that's another post!!
I was holding my breath for the MECh@ Conference, and then I let that one out. I have a fear and a doubt that it won't be as safe a space as I would like. But there are very few safe spaces left for me nowadays. Although gender & sexuality are supposed to be one of the five pillars of MECh@, I heard that there's some (natural) ignorance surrounding issues of gender. Therefore, I am going to leave any type of expectation at the door. It's just better to go on-guard rather than to be cut down halfway through because I assumed any type of... consciousness, competency...? I'm not sure of the 'c'-word I'm looking for. Anyway....
And then there is the QPOCCon: the light at the end of this long dark winter in Olympia. I was really entertaining the idea that I'd meet some really awesome person(s) and I'd spend my time in their hotel room rather than at workshops. But after some careful contemplation, I've decided adjacent it. I'm not really a casual encounter type of person. So I'll be the wing-person/chaperone/bag-holder while in Northridge. Ah well, at least I've found my niche.
.... typing this up made me more depressed, rather than feeling better. I need an almond croissant. :(
All of this thinking about young love and first times has me thinking, hoping, and maybe a little optimistic about my own romantic horizons. And then I remember I live in Olympia, in the Pacific Northwest..., and I get just a bit more depressed. There are other things playing into that depression.. but that's another post!!
I was holding my breath for the MECh@ Conference, and then I let that one out. I have a fear and a doubt that it won't be as safe a space as I would like. But there are very few safe spaces left for me nowadays. Although gender & sexuality are supposed to be one of the five pillars of MECh@, I heard that there's some (natural) ignorance surrounding issues of gender. Therefore, I am going to leave any type of expectation at the door. It's just better to go on-guard rather than to be cut down halfway through because I assumed any type of... consciousness, competency...? I'm not sure of the 'c'-word I'm looking for. Anyway....
And then there is the QPOCCon: the light at the end of this long dark winter in Olympia. I was really entertaining the idea that I'd meet some really awesome person(s) and I'd spend my time in their hotel room rather than at workshops. But after some careful contemplation, I've decided adjacent it. I'm not really a casual encounter type of person. So I'll be the wing-person/chaperone/bag-holder while in Northridge. Ah well, at least I've found my niche.
.... typing this up made me more depressed, rather than feeling better. I need an almond croissant. :(
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