On Friday I ordered a compression top from Underworks. It arrived yesterday. First off, I want to start by giving the company Tool Shed Toys super-dper major props for getting the product to me so quickly. They do great work and I'm definitely going to let them know how awesome and speedy the shipping is, esp when it takes my Netflix as long to get to me from Tacoma. but I digress....
I ordered a Medium white tank. I have to say it took me a good two minutes to wiggle it on. My shoulders are pretty wide considering my frame, but the compression is also that intense. When I finally got it on, I was... disappointed. The compression wasn't as tight as I expected and my breasts weren't flattened into oblivion, as I had been hoping for. But that expectation was a tad unrealistic.
The fabric looks like mesh... and feels a bit like a swimmy bag. But it's not uncomfortable on the skin. It really does stay cool against skin. I decided to wear a sports bra underneath for extra flattening power, but tomorrow I think I'll wear a tank. I personally don't like the feel of the fabric against my skin, and I also want to increase its lifespan by exposing it to sweat and oil as infrequently as possible.
The smell is kind of strange, like juice and perfume mixed together. It's not unpleasant, but I did give it an initial rinse last night before wearing it out today.
Something that I notice helps with flattening my chest is 1) wearing the sports bra underneath and 2) pulling my breasts to the side, much like I did while binding.
I have to say that, overall, this compression top is incredibly comfortable. It also highlights how improperly I was binding, because I haven't felt light-headed, tingly-armed or headache-y once today.
Something I was fearing when ordering this top, was the fact that I've read reviews where folx have said that after a few hours their breasts began to gather in one spot (under their arms, near their clavicles), but since mine are so small, I have mercifully been spared that issue. Never have I been more thankful for my small breasts than during this transition. Thank you Nature and Nurture.
The Pros
1) It got here so quickly!!
2) It's lightweight and seems easy to clean
3) It's not too tight. In fact, I breath easier in this than I did while binding wiht ACE bandage
4) I got the right size on the first go!
The Cons
1) The top isn't as snug as I was hoping for, which makes me sad. I 'm very slim, so it's difficult to get on. But once on, the fabric bunches and doesn't hug very tightly to my body.
2) The fabric around the sleeve is rough enough to scrape the very sensitive skin around my underarms. I'm not please about this, but I can easily fit a tank top underneath for extra protection.
3) I'm concerned that since the fit is so loose around my torso, that if I kick yp my workout routine, it will become even more loose. :( Also, the fabric will stretch out over time (says the 'Care For' instructions) which makes me even sadder. :((
4) I think I can deal though. I'm not sure I would buy this product again.... I've seen other sites that have binders that I think will be more suitable for my body frame, and seem to be made of higher quality fabric to boot. But for$35, this will suffice.
28 February 2012
27 February 2012
El Gimnasio
Ah, the gym... A whole new territory as a trans* person.
Luckily for me, there are two family-style restrooms on the second floor with lockers. But I imagine what my life would be like if Evergreen wasn't accommodation to families, because they certainly aren't thinking about trans* individuals. But then again, most of the world doesn't. I must lower my standards.
Anyhow, it took me a few weeks of inner turmoil to move my things from the women's locker-room upstairs to the family restrooms. I would say the biggest reason it took so long was because I didn't want to give up my access to the sauna. I love the sauna. I swear up and down by the sauna. The sauna can make any hurt feel better, from sprained ankles, to sore shoulders to yucky, moldy coughs from the damp Pacific NW. It has to be one of my favourite places on the entire campus and I didn't want to lose access to it.
Another reason was I would have to go back into the women's locker-room. I've been presenting more masculine since the beginning of the month, and I was afraid of the static I would get going back in there. But it was easy, and I managed to haul all my things in one trip.
The final reason it took me so long to move on up was that moving my things from the women's locker-room would be my final relinquishing of my cis-privilege. That's a huge privilege to give up, esp in our Western society. There are so many thing s I took for granted when I was presenting according to society's rules. They fall into even sharper relief now.
--------
Today I had my first foray into the gym in about two weeks. It's really interesting, the mindset I take when I'm in that space. Everything shuts down. Some of it's conscious, like I never cruise when I'm in the gym. That's not what I'm there for, and I don't think anyone else should be either. IT's a space to focus on one's self, but that's just me. ;) Also, I disengage from my gender. I'm literally another body int eh space working out. I recenter and purge and the last thing I'm concerned with is my gender. Except when I'm in the weight-room.
The weight-room. I've never officially entered it, only walked past. It's such a hypermasculine space, and I don't consider myself thus. I would love to go ina nd be able to use the free weights; I've read that they're better when doing actual weight training. But, uh, I just don' t have the patience to combat the patriarchy that goes on in there. I do it every other moment of my Life. I think I'll just stick tot he cardio room. :)
Luckily for me, there are two family-style restrooms on the second floor with lockers. But I imagine what my life would be like if Evergreen wasn't accommodation to families, because they certainly aren't thinking about trans* individuals. But then again, most of the world doesn't. I must lower my standards.
Anyhow, it took me a few weeks of inner turmoil to move my things from the women's locker-room upstairs to the family restrooms. I would say the biggest reason it took so long was because I didn't want to give up my access to the sauna. I love the sauna. I swear up and down by the sauna. The sauna can make any hurt feel better, from sprained ankles, to sore shoulders to yucky, moldy coughs from the damp Pacific NW. It has to be one of my favourite places on the entire campus and I didn't want to lose access to it.
Another reason was I would have to go back into the women's locker-room. I've been presenting more masculine since the beginning of the month, and I was afraid of the static I would get going back in there. But it was easy, and I managed to haul all my things in one trip.
The final reason it took me so long to move on up was that moving my things from the women's locker-room would be my final relinquishing of my cis-privilege. That's a huge privilege to give up, esp in our Western society. There are so many thing s I took for granted when I was presenting according to society's rules. They fall into even sharper relief now.
--------
Today I had my first foray into the gym in about two weeks. It's really interesting, the mindset I take when I'm in that space. Everything shuts down. Some of it's conscious, like I never cruise when I'm in the gym. That's not what I'm there for, and I don't think anyone else should be either. IT's a space to focus on one's self, but that's just me. ;) Also, I disengage from my gender. I'm literally another body int eh space working out. I recenter and purge and the last thing I'm concerned with is my gender. Except when I'm in the weight-room.
The weight-room. I've never officially entered it, only walked past. It's such a hypermasculine space, and I don't consider myself thus. I would love to go ina nd be able to use the free weights; I've read that they're better when doing actual weight training. But, uh, I just don' t have the patience to combat the patriarchy that goes on in there. I do it every other moment of my Life. I think I'll just stick tot he cardio room. :)
19 February 2012
Binding
I thought I'd already posted on this topic, but oh well!!
Binding is great, if done correctly. Unfortunately--and much to my ribs' and lungs' dismay--I did it incorrectly (read: WAY too tightly) for the first week or so. Everything would seem fine when I first finished, but within ten minutes I was wheezing, light-headed and headache prone. But with my ol' stubborn ass, I wouldn't remove the bindings until my day was though, which could have (and probably did) cause some damage. Now that I'm being read as male more often and also a little less hardcore about erasing all traces of my breasts, I'm actually able to move faster than a stroll with while bound.
I've found that binding over my sports bra makes for an easier time; it helps the bandage to stay in place, spares my nipples the pain of the wrap sliding and rubbing against them and also reduces the bandage from digging into my skin. I have sensitive skin, what can I say? I've also found that lying down helps out as well. It makes sense though, because it's when my breasts are at their flattest, naturally. It's just a wee bit difficult to bind while lying on my bed without straining my neck. I'm getting it though. It might help if I"m not yelling at the radio; I might have to switch off NPR in the mornings anyway, just because it gets my blood pressure going. Lol, the world today....
I've also discovered that if I can wrap in an 'X' pattern the flattening is much ore effective. And also if I lift my my arms during the final adjustment. I realise how mercifully lucky I am that my breasts are so small. Never have I been more thankful than now.
Ok, so just to review:
Step One: lie down to wrap,
Step Two: wrap in an X-pattern going a little higher and lower than the actual area for fuller coverage, and
Step Three: lift my arms above my head for the final adjustment
Et voila! Perfectly bound! I'm going to buy a compression shirt when my tax return comes in, bur for the time being, this method is effective.
I feel much better when I bind, mentally and emotionally, and I almost freak out when I try to leave the house without first binding. I'm going to have to start getting up earlier to make sure I have enough time to bind. If I don't bind, I slouch and glare at passers-by because I've slipped back into the world where my gender doesn't match my presentation. I never realised how grumpy I get otherwise, lol.
Binding is great, if done correctly. Unfortunately--and much to my ribs' and lungs' dismay--I did it incorrectly (read: WAY too tightly) for the first week or so. Everything would seem fine when I first finished, but within ten minutes I was wheezing, light-headed and headache prone. But with my ol' stubborn ass, I wouldn't remove the bindings until my day was though, which could have (and probably did) cause some damage. Now that I'm being read as male more often and also a little less hardcore about erasing all traces of my breasts, I'm actually able to move faster than a stroll with while bound.
I've found that binding over my sports bra makes for an easier time; it helps the bandage to stay in place, spares my nipples the pain of the wrap sliding and rubbing against them and also reduces the bandage from digging into my skin. I have sensitive skin, what can I say? I've also found that lying down helps out as well. It makes sense though, because it's when my breasts are at their flattest, naturally. It's just a wee bit difficult to bind while lying on my bed without straining my neck. I'm getting it though. It might help if I"m not yelling at the radio; I might have to switch off NPR in the mornings anyway, just because it gets my blood pressure going. Lol, the world today....
I've also discovered that if I can wrap in an 'X' pattern the flattening is much ore effective. And also if I lift my my arms during the final adjustment. I realise how mercifully lucky I am that my breasts are so small. Never have I been more thankful than now.
Ok, so just to review:
Step One: lie down to wrap,
Step Two: wrap in an X-pattern going a little higher and lower than the actual area for fuller coverage, and
Step Three: lift my arms above my head for the final adjustment
Et voila! Perfectly bound! I'm going to buy a compression shirt when my tax return comes in, bur for the time being, this method is effective.
I feel much better when I bind, mentally and emotionally, and I almost freak out when I try to leave the house without first binding. I'm going to have to start getting up earlier to make sure I have enough time to bind. If I don't bind, I slouch and glare at passers-by because I've slipped back into the world where my gender doesn't match my presentation. I never realised how grumpy I get otherwise, lol.
Resource
I stumbled upon this website yesterday. It's like the trans version of The Hitchhiker's Guide tot eh Galaxy; there's so much information packed in there!! What began as a humble Google search for 'binders' turnt into an educational extravaganza!! ♥.♥ But I'm going to focus this post on only my experiences (thus far) with binding my breasts. The first bit is here; this is the update.
I've spent so much time on this site, reading about FTM topics. It's all intensely interesting, and I can't wait to find other sources.
I've spent so much time on this site, reading about FTM topics. It's all intensely interesting, and I can't wait to find other sources.
Happiness
I've been thinking about how content I've been feeling lately. I have to attribute the majority of this mental calm to finally coming into my trans* gender identity. :D Who knew that so much mental anguish and anxiety could be caused by being shoved into a box that I never belonged in? -___-
But I want to focus on the god things.
- The days don't seem so dreary, or else I am now able to see that this Olympia chapter will come to an end.
- I am finally stable enough to let my Heart begin to thaw. It's uncomfortable, having romantic feelings for folx again, esp in thinking about being intimate with them, but I'm taking it one step at a time and trying NOT to lust after unavailable people. I deserve someone who is willing and able to give me their time and attention.
- I'm not so concerned with finding a focus at Evergreen. I know what I know, and most of my knowledge is not gained in the classroom. I'm just trying to finish up with my Soul intact.
- I'm going tot eh QPOCCon. I have no idea where I'm going to get eh funds to travel from Phoenix to LA and then back to Oly, but I have confidence that things will work themselves out. And I will rely on the kindness of strangers.
-I have really great people surrounding me. Now that my depression is lifting, I can fully appreciate them. I'm much happier because of it. Also, some people who were annoying me are gone. That makes things easier too. :D
- I have a meeting with my potential therapist. I'm excited to meet them and see how our chemistry works. If we do mesh, I'm super stoked to talk with them regularly, even though I have no clue where the money to pay will come from.... Hmm.
- I checked again today where the hell my tax refund is, and apparently it should be along shortly. I just hope it come before my rent is due. Pray for me.
But I want to focus on the god things.
- The days don't seem so dreary, or else I am now able to see that this Olympia chapter will come to an end.
- I am finally stable enough to let my Heart begin to thaw. It's uncomfortable, having romantic feelings for folx again, esp in thinking about being intimate with them, but I'm taking it one step at a time and trying NOT to lust after unavailable people. I deserve someone who is willing and able to give me their time and attention.
- I'm not so concerned with finding a focus at Evergreen. I know what I know, and most of my knowledge is not gained in the classroom. I'm just trying to finish up with my Soul intact.
- I'm going tot eh QPOCCon. I have no idea where I'm going to get eh funds to travel from Phoenix to LA and then back to Oly, but I have confidence that things will work themselves out. And I will rely on the kindness of strangers.
-I have really great people surrounding me. Now that my depression is lifting, I can fully appreciate them. I'm much happier because of it. Also, some people who were annoying me are gone. That makes things easier too. :D
- I have a meeting with my potential therapist. I'm excited to meet them and see how our chemistry works. If we do mesh, I'm super stoked to talk with them regularly, even though I have no clue where the money to pay will come from.... Hmm.
- I checked again today where the hell my tax refund is, and apparently it should be along shortly. I just hope it come before my rent is due. Pray for me.
Twin Time
Yesterday I spent some much needed time with my Twin. They are greta. The little one rolling around in the background is great too.
I had the chance to air my feelings about the woman I currently fancy. And who I'm not going to pursue. I just had to say it for the record. I feel that we're both going through some Heart-hurting things at the moment. I'm sure we'll both get through them.
Eventually....
I had the chance to air my feelings about the woman I currently fancy. And who I'm not going to pursue. I just had to say it for the record. I feel that we're both going through some Heart-hurting things at the moment. I'm sure we'll both get through them.
Eventually....
16 February 2012
Late Night Thoughts...
I should have been in bed two hours ago, with my sick ass. BUt I got caught up on tumblr. XP
I've been thinking a lot lately about gender and sexuality and I realise that sometimes I still intertwine the two. Take for example Monday (or Tuesday...?) when I was filling out the Queer People of Color Conference registration form. They asked for gender: that was easy enough. They asked for Sexuality... and I stopped and had to literally disentangle my gender identity from my preferences. I put 'pansexual' just because I don't want to limit myself, and also because I don't think folks really appreciate how diverse and fluid gender is.
And then I've also been thinking about the latest woman who's taken my fancy. The more I heed my Intuition, the stronger it becomes, and it's telling me not to launch. And I'm thinking it's time to do what it says rather than what I want. I do what I want a lot and I need to practise more self-control, particularly in matters of the Heart. I have not forgotten how the last two people who had my Heart (both Scorpios) stung and trod on me. Sure, this person of interest is a Water sign, but... Eh. Just no. The more I try to rationalise it, the more pathetic I appear to my own self. Walking away.
I've been having some interesting dreams lately. I should start journalling them again, but I'm too lazy. :P
I've been thinking a lot about money lately... mainly how I seem to be without any. I'm contemplating selling my soul to RAD services, but before I get that far... I'm going to try to find a tutoring position at a public school. But I'll most likely end up with RAD, cause that's job stability if I ever knew it.
I swear my hair is growing faster than I can keep up with it. It's almost annoying. I know one morning I'm going to wake up with it strangling me. I give it a year....
I would not be surprised if I woke up tomorrow without my voice. My throat is sore, but not unmanageable. I think I might have laryngitis, which is fine by me. I need to practise my listening skills. :)
I should go to bed now, but I just got this idea for a blog post. I swear I'll got ot bed after it... at some point. ;}
14 February 2012
For the Record
I wanna state for the record, that these instances arose on their own. I guess I've done a great job cloistering my Heart, because now that it is defrosting, I am utterly astonished by how many womyn have my attentions.
One, two, three, four....ugh. And I also need to state, for the record, that I do not need any more Scorpios in my life. A dangerous breed they are and I'm still recovering from the last instances of being stabbed. Damn Scorpions.
Maybe I can find a nice Aries, or a Leo.... -___-
One, two, three, four....ugh. And I also need to state, for the record, that I do not need any more Scorpios in my life. A dangerous breed they are and I'm still recovering from the last instances of being stabbed. Damn Scorpions.
Maybe I can find a nice Aries, or a Leo.... -___-
Therapy
I've decided to pursue therapy during my transition. Now whether I actually do--or can afford to-- go through with it remains to be seen. But I've scheduled an appt with a therapist called Calvin up in Seatown. I cannot begin to express how EXCITED I am!!! :rolls on floor, drooling:
I've only ever gone to two therapy session when I was 20. I was trying to earn my AA and I was taking my last courses, which included Algebra and I was having panic attacks. It was a really horrible time. :( I feel much better now, but I think I need to talk some things through and I would like a well-versed person to help me outline where I want to go and how i intend to get there.
The biggest hurdle I forsee is cost. Which is always the hurdle nowadays. But if it means I have to cut corners in other places, I'll make it work. I have to....
I've only ever gone to two therapy session when I was 20. I was trying to earn my AA and I was taking my last courses, which included Algebra and I was having panic attacks. It was a really horrible time. :( I feel much better now, but I think I need to talk some things through and I would like a well-versed person to help me outline where I want to go and how i intend to get there.
The biggest hurdle I forsee is cost. Which is always the hurdle nowadays. But if it means I have to cut corners in other places, I'll make it work. I have to....
12 February 2012
Coma
My Heart is beginning to wake up. Sometimes it's alright and I can ignore it, but I'm working on letting my emotions work themselves out. And this weekend was quite the workout.
I had completely forgotten about her, and then she walked into the room... The only words that came to mind were "Oh snap." Her personality is so big that I feel it swelled to fill the boardroom, kind of like my... Anywayz. There's just something about her charisma and her personality.... It really was all I could do to remain non-biased when she spoke. Her arguements are so sound that I just get swept up in the current of my Heart and go along with it... but I managed to stay relatively close to shore. ;}
At one point during the PNMR, I had to break away from the discussion and I journalled furiously about some of my more lustful desires (it was rather hard to focus anyway), and how I only needed the opp to make my move. Lo and behold if not ten minutes after that frantic wish, I get my chance. And I jumped. But I gotta say I underperformed. Most likely due to my nerves, but I have been out of the Game for awhile.... It could just have been her; she's more than a little intimidating. But I think it's for the best. With MECh@ (as with most orgs) it's unwise to mix business and pleasure. It's so easy for things to get messy. And while I'm gonna be respectful, and heed her wishes, I will not take my eye off the prize. It would be unwise of me not to try and see where this could go.
I want what I want and I go after it. I have patience now, and I'm willing to wait. And I have this feeling... that an opp is going to present itself. And I'll be damned if I'm caught off-guard.
I had completely forgotten about her, and then she walked into the room... The only words that came to mind were "Oh snap." Her personality is so big that I feel it swelled to fill the boardroom, kind of like my... Anywayz. There's just something about her charisma and her personality.... It really was all I could do to remain non-biased when she spoke. Her arguements are so sound that I just get swept up in the current of my Heart and go along with it... but I managed to stay relatively close to shore. ;}
At one point during the PNMR, I had to break away from the discussion and I journalled furiously about some of my more lustful desires (it was rather hard to focus anyway), and how I only needed the opp to make my move. Lo and behold if not ten minutes after that frantic wish, I get my chance. And I jumped. But I gotta say I underperformed. Most likely due to my nerves, but I have been out of the Game for awhile.... It could just have been her; she's more than a little intimidating. But I think it's for the best. With MECh@ (as with most orgs) it's unwise to mix business and pleasure. It's so easy for things to get messy. And while I'm gonna be respectful, and heed her wishes, I will not take my eye off the prize. It would be unwise of me not to try and see where this could go.
I want what I want and I go after it. I have patience now, and I'm willing to wait. And I have this feeling... that an opp is going to present itself. And I'll be damned if I'm caught off-guard.
07 February 2012
San Diego
I realise I never explained what my last straw was, as far a syncing myself. It was simple really: I went to San Diego.
San Deigo was like a breath of fresh air: it was Sunny, it was warm, and it was a merciful break from the gray prison of Olympia. But it was also so uncomfortable. Beach culture. I grew up in it and I Love and Hate it. I think I always will. It reinforces physical beauty and causes a super skewering of 'male' and 'female', ;masculine' and feminine', leaving o room for in-betweens or others. The socioeconomic setting I was in also played a huge roll, but that's another post.
It was in San Diego that I finally reached my breaking point. Wearing the bathing suit I'd owned since I was Freshman in college--alas, so long ago--felt awkward, because it felt wrong to section my body of that way. I don't have warm weather men's clothes, so I had to wear my old clothes, which forced me--kicking and seething--into the 'female' gender box. The only way I made it through that lovely vacation was telling myself that it was ok, that no one was looking at me--Black female body on display-- and that it was just for now. But then I realised, that's what I'm constantly telling myself when situations are beyond my control But was this one really? Didn't i have control over how I present myself to society? How long was I going to shove myself in a box that I had outgrown, that I had never belonged in in the first place?
I came back to Olympia in a fit. I was angry at how I had gendered myself on the trip, how I had been gendered by strangers, how society created this harsh dichotomy based on some silly anatomy, and just angry in general because I had played a passive role in all of this. And it was this anger that pushed me to take the plunge. That weekend I found myself at Value Village buying the beginnings of a new wardrobe, a wardrobe that reflects how I want the world to view me and how I need to be seen. I'm done denying my Authenticity and playing the Oppressor's game. Life's too short to subject myself to that misery any longer.
San Deigo was like a breath of fresh air: it was Sunny, it was warm, and it was a merciful break from the gray prison of Olympia. But it was also so uncomfortable. Beach culture. I grew up in it and I Love and Hate it. I think I always will. It reinforces physical beauty and causes a super skewering of 'male' and 'female', ;masculine' and feminine', leaving o room for in-betweens or others. The socioeconomic setting I was in also played a huge roll, but that's another post.
It was in San Diego that I finally reached my breaking point. Wearing the bathing suit I'd owned since I was Freshman in college--alas, so long ago--felt awkward, because it felt wrong to section my body of that way. I don't have warm weather men's clothes, so I had to wear my old clothes, which forced me--kicking and seething--into the 'female' gender box. The only way I made it through that lovely vacation was telling myself that it was ok, that no one was looking at me--Black female body on display-- and that it was just for now. But then I realised, that's what I'm constantly telling myself when situations are beyond my control But was this one really? Didn't i have control over how I present myself to society? How long was I going to shove myself in a box that I had outgrown, that I had never belonged in in the first place?
I came back to Olympia in a fit. I was angry at how I had gendered myself on the trip, how I had been gendered by strangers, how society created this harsh dichotomy based on some silly anatomy, and just angry in general because I had played a passive role in all of this. And it was this anger that pushed me to take the plunge. That weekend I found myself at Value Village buying the beginnings of a new wardrobe, a wardrobe that reflects how I want the world to view me and how I need to be seen. I'm done denying my Authenticity and playing the Oppressor's game. Life's too short to subject myself to that misery any longer.
In this Skin
I swear, I've seen that title somewhere else.... Oh well.
As I was packing up the InfoDesk to go home, I had to note that I felt happier than I've been in a long time. It has a lot to do that the last four days have been blindingly Sunny, but I know that my presentation as male has more to do with it. I would argue that I've felt more comfortable these last few days than I have in a long time. I feel more relaxed and myself.
Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's taken me so long to... come out? Some would use that phrase. I'd like to call it syncing; my Inner self matches my Outer self more--we're not all the way home yet. :3
I don't worry about who's looking at me, I don't worry about being ogled, and I don't have to spend time contemplating my appearance for a horribly judgmental and extremely pushy society that demands I look a certain way in order to be considered 'womanly'. Two words for your Beauty Myth: Fuck You.
I feel like my anxiety levels are coming down, I don't feel as depressed (again, it's been Sunny for the past four days) and... I feel happy.
As I was packing up the InfoDesk to go home, I had to note that I felt happier than I've been in a long time. It has a lot to do that the last four days have been blindingly Sunny, but I know that my presentation as male has more to do with it. I would argue that I've felt more comfortable these last few days than I have in a long time. I feel more relaxed and myself.
Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's taken me so long to... come out? Some would use that phrase. I'd like to call it syncing; my Inner self matches my Outer self more--we're not all the way home yet. :3
I don't worry about who's looking at me, I don't worry about being ogled, and I don't have to spend time contemplating my appearance for a horribly judgmental and extremely pushy society that demands I look a certain way in order to be considered 'womanly'. Two words for your Beauty Myth: Fuck You.
I feel like my anxiety levels are coming down, I don't feel as depressed (again, it's been Sunny for the past four days) and... I feel happy.
06 February 2012
The Men's Restroom
I did it! I went into the men's toilet for the first time today! Well, actually I've been in them before... but that doesn't count. And I'd almost say it doesn't really count because it was at Evergreen....
But anyway, I went in, did my business, washed my hands, and then left. It was a little unnerving because there was someone else in there when I entered and as I exited, but I kept my cool.
But my biggest question is why is it so small compared to the ladies' room. I mean it was like 8'x10'. I barely felt there was enough room to move around. Maybe it's a practical issue? Maybe the designers think men need less room than women? Ah well, it wouldn't be the first time I shook my head at the construction of this building. The job was done so poorly....
But anyway, I went in, did my business, washed my hands, and then left. It was a little unnerving because there was someone else in there when I entered and as I exited, but I kept my cool.
But my biggest question is why is it so small compared to the ladies' room. I mean it was like 8'x10'. I barely felt there was enough room to move around. Maybe it's a practical issue? Maybe the designers think men need less room than women? Ah well, it wouldn't be the first time I shook my head at the construction of this building. The job was done so poorly....
05 February 2012
Femme
This post has been a looooong time coming....
I compose stories in my head. Fantasies, some might call them, but they help keep my mind occupied when the real world fails to do so. Most times, I use these stories to slowly acquaint myself with new ideas about my ever-evolving identity. I've used the to explore ideas of queerness, my attraction to women, being a grown-up and having a 'real job' etc.
Recently I've been exploring my possible life as a transman. And as I moved from the idea of being genderqueer when I grow up, I've noticed that my attraction has moved from androgynous folks to femmes. And this was troubling to me. How could I be queer, be a transman and fall into the heteronormative trap of being attracted to femmes.? It seemed far to repetitious to me, and almost... dare I say it normal, by mainstream standards. I thought these things and tried without hope to push my desires back toward the center and even over to 'masculine'. But my Mind is stubborn and femmes kept popping up everywhere!
And then I began reading this. I got to the piece called Getting Real, and not two segments in I had to take a break and write a post. It's so true!! Being queer and femme are oxymorons in the queer community, and unfortunately those misogynistic biases are imbedded in me. I'm a misogynist, and I'm working on unlearning this. The straight community devalues women--something about patriarchy--and the queer community dismisses femmes for the privileges they have in the straight world. It's a horrible Catch 22, and leads to alienation on both sides. And that makes me sad, esp because I carry/carried these views.
But I know how to remedy this!!!
Step One: own my shyt. Denial does no one any good.
Step Two: quit denying my desires and attraction to femmes. Gawd knows now is the time to begin letting go of all the baggage that's been piled on my by this patriarchal society.
Step Three: speak up and speak out. Since I present as masculine, I have privilege in this horrible oppressive society and I can use it to shut those misogynistic fools down.
Step Four (or maybe Step One...): Educate myself and challenge my biases. :D
This will be a continuing topic.....
I compose stories in my head. Fantasies, some might call them, but they help keep my mind occupied when the real world fails to do so. Most times, I use these stories to slowly acquaint myself with new ideas about my ever-evolving identity. I've used the to explore ideas of queerness, my attraction to women, being a grown-up and having a 'real job' etc.
Recently I've been exploring my possible life as a transman. And as I moved from the idea of being genderqueer when I grow up, I've noticed that my attraction has moved from androgynous folks to femmes. And this was troubling to me. How could I be queer, be a transman and fall into the heteronormative trap of being attracted to femmes.? It seemed far to repetitious to me, and almost... dare I say it normal, by mainstream standards. I thought these things and tried without hope to push my desires back toward the center and even over to 'masculine'. But my Mind is stubborn and femmes kept popping up everywhere!
And then I began reading this. I got to the piece called Getting Real, and not two segments in I had to take a break and write a post. It's so true!! Being queer and femme are oxymorons in the queer community, and unfortunately those misogynistic biases are imbedded in me. I'm a misogynist, and I'm working on unlearning this. The straight community devalues women--something about patriarchy--and the queer community dismisses femmes for the privileges they have in the straight world. It's a horrible Catch 22, and leads to alienation on both sides. And that makes me sad, esp because I carry/carried these views.
But I know how to remedy this!!!
Step One: own my shyt. Denial does no one any good.
Step Two: quit denying my desires and attraction to femmes. Gawd knows now is the time to begin letting go of all the baggage that's been piled on my by this patriarchal society.
Step Three: speak up and speak out. Since I present as masculine, I have privilege in this horrible oppressive society and I can use it to shut those misogynistic fools down.
Step Four (or maybe Step One...): Educate myself and challenge my biases. :D
This will be a continuing topic.....
03 February 2012
Anger and Discontent
I've been brooding a lot lately on the source of my anger and discontent, and I've narrowed it down to about three things.
1) Living in Olympia.
- I can't really help this right now. I literally have no where else to go. Florida is not an option. And if I get this scholarship, I have another grueling year ahead of me. The things I put myself through...
2) Lack of sunlight.
- This kind of come with the territory. I'll have to make a mental note to live closer to the equator from now on, not only for my sake, but for the sake of those poor people that have to suffer through my grumpiness.
3) Transitioning is making me very grumpy. Mainly because I'm still being read as a woman, when I want to be read as otherwise. As a man...? As a....? (.__.)
- The only remedy is time.
I hope that in the future I'll be A LOT more pleasant. I do know that a large amount of my irritation comes from the fact that so many people around me are content to be in Olympia. They have no escape planned nor do they seem to want to leave. ... I just... don't understand. How can people NOT be thinking of leaving? I just... no entiendo. No entiendo nada. smh
But to each their own, yes?
I know I would be happier if I had some cohorts to associate with. Trans cohorts specifically. Community always makes me feel somewhat bette, even though I spend most of my time avoiding people. M only concern would be the unwarranted influence folks have on me. I'm a blank canvas and I know people carry around hella-huge paintbrushes and that would just not be a great combination. I want to develop my own sense of self without others' biases about how to be or how to do things. But I'm not exactly sure if either way is the best. Maybe some sort of compromise? I dunno...
1) Living in Olympia.
- I can't really help this right now. I literally have no where else to go. Florida is not an option. And if I get this scholarship, I have another grueling year ahead of me. The things I put myself through...
- This kind of come with the territory. I'll have to make a mental note to live closer to the equator from now on, not only for my sake, but for the sake of those poor people that have to suffer through my grumpiness.
3) Transitioning is making me very grumpy. Mainly because I'm still being read as a woman, when I want to be read as otherwise. As a man...? As a....? (.__.)
- The only remedy is time.
I hope that in the future I'll be A LOT more pleasant. I do know that a large amount of my irritation comes from the fact that so many people around me are content to be in Olympia. They have no escape planned nor do they seem to want to leave. ... I just... don't understand. How can people NOT be thinking of leaving? I just... no entiendo. No entiendo nada. smh
But to each their own, yes?
I know I would be happier if I had some cohorts to associate with. Trans cohorts specifically. Community always makes me feel somewhat bette, even though I spend most of my time avoiding people. M only concern would be the unwarranted influence folks have on me. I'm a blank canvas and I know people carry around hella-huge paintbrushes and that would just not be a great combination. I want to develop my own sense of self without others' biases about how to be or how to do things. But I'm not exactly sure if either way is the best. Maybe some sort of compromise? I dunno...
Shopping!!
Tomorrow I am going to Goodwill in Seattle to get new clothes!! Or more accurately, me's clothes. It's not as if this is a newsflash, since I've always shopped in the men's section. But now it holds new significance, since it's part of syncing my mental image of self with the outward appearance.
It was not until recently that I am reminded how important clothing is to flagging people to their gender category. And how horribly unmatched most of my clothes are to mine. V__V
Living in Olympia, it's somewhat easier to forget that the mainstream--drown in the river!!-- holds so much sway over our perceptions and expectations of people based on their outward appearance. That week down in San Diego reminded me violently that this experience, this bubble I live in in just that. Eventually I will leave it and go back into the wide world and have to deal with being stereotyped even more than I am now. But I digress...
Wearing loose-fitting and men's garments makes me happy. I don't feel as angry or resentful, because there is a less likelihood that I will be ma'amed (which pisses me off to no end).
Tomorrow will be great. I will throw down more money than I have in months. Too bad this transition isn't tax-deductible. :/
02 February 2012
When...?
When does it all become clear? When do I figure out where my identity is going? Sometimes I'm content to let it wander its way to the endgoal, but other times--like now--I'm incredibly impatient. I feel I need to prepare somehow for what's to come. I hate being caught off-guard, but I know this is something I should let develop organically... But I want all the answers now!!
And I want new clothes too. I'm so tired of waring the snug-fitting clothes and being immediately identifiable as female-bodied. It's frustrating. I want to wlak the line or get 'sired'. If only my face weren't so chubby. A few weeks at the gym will remedy that though....
But at least I ca get the clothes issue fixed. I'm supposed to be trekking up to Seatown this weekend to go sopping. Hopefully I will find something more suitable than what currently occupies my closet. I am re-realising now how often I shopped in the Men's section in FL. I wish I had that disposable income now... :( Ah,w ell.....
And I want new clothes too. I'm so tired of waring the snug-fitting clothes and being immediately identifiable as female-bodied. It's frustrating. I want to wlak the line or get 'sired'. If only my face weren't so chubby. A few weeks at the gym will remedy that though....
But at least I ca get the clothes issue fixed. I'm supposed to be trekking up to Seatown this weekend to go sopping. Hopefully I will find something more suitable than what currently occupies my closet. I am re-realising now how often I shopped in the Men's section in FL. I wish I had that disposable income now... :( Ah,w ell.....
TransTalk
Yesterday my Twin came and visited me at the InfoDesk!! It had been some months and I must say, my Twin looks sharp. Luv the hair. Anyhow, we started talking and like true Geminis built our own little world. ^__^
Most of our discussion revolved around gender expression. My Twin was the first person I've told that my identity is shifting towards trans, and as much as I agonise over telling folks, the response was out of my mouth before I even realised it. It's just cause my Twin is awesome though; with everyone else I'd almost saw off my own foot.
But we had a really great discussion. We talked about passing and binding and clothes shopping. I wish I had written this yesterday, because it was a really great convo. Oh well....
Most of our discussion revolved around gender expression. My Twin was the first person I've told that my identity is shifting towards trans, and as much as I agonise over telling folks, the response was out of my mouth before I even realised it. It's just cause my Twin is awesome though; with everyone else I'd almost saw off my own foot.
But we had a really great discussion. We talked about passing and binding and clothes shopping. I wish I had written this yesterday, because it was a really great convo. Oh well....
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