So, one of the big things my Dr told me when I was starting T was that a common side effect was anger, and I need to be esp mindful of 'rages'. Needless to say I started at this cis woman blankly in a supreme effort to not roll my eyes. I succeeded, but only until she looked away. I have no patience for fools who regurgitate some transphobic stereotypes. And fuck the fear-mongering sheep of the FDA while we're at it. Anyhoo....
Some of te emotions I experienced while my body adjusted to testosterone included: joy, confusion, sadness, anxiety, euphoria, pride (the good one), annoyance. No anger or rage, unless it was at a system.
In fact, I found my ability to endure annoyances was extended--to lengths I did not know I was capable of. It was a little disconcerting and also pretty fucking awesome.
As my body and brain became more acclimated to T, I did experience a few situations that made me angry. Most of it though, was when someone I cared about was threatened (physically emotionally) or if someone was crossing my boundaries or compromising a value I hold. But the anger wasn't flipping tables intense, or wanting to scream or choke somebody. It was like cold steel. I never saw red--I was always able to clearly and calmly articulate what I was feeling and how the other person(s) involved could get their shit together.
Being able to feel such control during a stressful situation is liberating. Being able to articulate the situation and clearly state my needs... Well, I definitely didn't learn that skill at home. I'm grateful to all the people who taught me--purposefully and otherwise--how to be a more emotionally mature and emotionally responsible individual.
And then I stopped T.
Cue in the most emotionally excruciating painful period of my life. Sometimes I try to think back if starting T was as emotionally challenging, and I can't recall, because I literally felt like the world was ending and I was not going to be more than sack of blood at the end of it. I had very little control of my emotions and their intensity. I could be going through my day, happy as a fucken clam, then remember there was no cake in the house and the rest of the day would be ruined, even if I bought cake. I could text a friend and not here back form them and feel like the entire cosmos were crashing down around my ears. I could be walking waiting in queue for the bus and someone would cut me off, and have to physically back away form them lest their body end up in on-coming traffic.
And then my brain sorted itself out, and my humanity returned to me eight weeks later. Quite suddenly, actually, on Monday eve, 7 Sept 2015. Don't laugh. That full moon we had a few days prior really took everything I had left. I was on emotional quarantine.
I still have a learning-curve of dealing with my annoyance and anger. It's pretty close tot he surface at all times, and it's much more physical than it's been for the past two and a half years. It's an annoyance, and that only leads me to feeling more annoyed and then everything just snowballs from there. I do a lot of deep breathing, I do a lot of counting backwards, I do a lot of walking away, I do a lot of self-bribing. I feel like a toddler or a tween. And I have much more sympathy for them as I patiently wait for my brain to settle back into estrogen mode.
I'm gonna continue to be patient with myself as my brain and body figure out this elaborate endocrine dance. And keep those baked goods at the ready.
