Subject to Change

I think I legally changed my name four years ago. One of these blogs should have the official documentation--lord knows I have too many papers strewn around my room to pretend like I could find it. J/k I know exactly where it is. Alas, lack of motivation as I get ready for bed...

But I've got the name change itch again. I'm getting tired of this surname I chose for myself--my maternal grandmother's maiden name, actually. It's a slave-holder's name, and that's been grating on my nerves more and more these last few months. And the fact that I don't feel like it's mine, although Intook it. I make an effort to respond to it, and I don't feel a connection to it, like I did to the surname that was given to me. Although I cringed at the constant mispronounciation of that surname, but I digress....

Maybe I'll just do a social transition. But that's something to continue to think about. People can be ridiculously stubborn when it comes to respecting someone's decision to go by another name. I swear, I still have relatives who would dead name me if given the chance. Again, I digress....

Lately, at my work,moles have been struggling to call me by my name. And, like, I have no clue why it's challenging. I work in an org where there are so few anglicized names, that Aurien should not be an issue. Well, the sounds in my name are very rigid, and that's real. Incidentally, it's the native English speakers. For which my Patience does not extend. Because, if you can't remember to pronounce my name, then it's just negligence and ignorance, two things I have increasingly LESS time for in my life.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yes.  I think aim gonna change my name. Again.

Or maybe I'll just keep it. I don't want the hassle of transitioning all the documents 🙄🙄🙄

But I've already decided that my kids will have a different surname than mine. I have an Idea, but like so much of my life, that Idea may be subject to change. Change is good, though. I'm living and leaning that....

Sprung

I met this guy, who I really like.

I was at this event, and he walked into the room, and the myself and the folks I was with ignored him. And I saw his aura. WOO ALERT. And it was compelling. I don't think I've felt that strong of an attraction to someone (non-sexualy) in a very long time. Which is a nice break from the monotony.

It was curious, because he sat quietly and didn't attempt to join our conversation. Which is always a shock when it comes to cis men. Let's. Be. Real. And then The Clincher was seeing him with these young Black boys--he was gentle and patient.

And it was all over.

I chatted the guy up with pure, unadulterated #GeminiCharm and knew within 60 seconds that I couldn't' leave without getting this guy's number.

Let's fast forward to the part where we leave the event together, and I end up getting a ride  from Dude to my next appointment. Yea, I'm smoov. My #charm is on levels unprecedented and lo and behold if I don't step onto the kerb with Dude's number in my phone.

I really like this guy. Even though our first hangout was a bit of a flop--there were some mis-perceptions happening--I still felt really interested in getting to know him.

And then we hung out today, and it was the ease of interaction that I felt the first time we talked. We met at a park, and sat in the Sun, shooting the breeze. It was fucken nice, and was a reminder that sometimes, things can be simple and easy. We kept that simple ease as we strolled a mile and sum to the event we were both expected at.

It was so nice, yo. I don't even have the words for the.... feelings I was feeling. Which weren't my usual muddled complexity of emotions. I was just in the moment, enjoying the Sun and Dude's company. I wasn't nervous or overthinking. I was happy. I know; that's still a word I'm getting used to in describing my general existence, much less in the company of someone I fancy. But there you go.

And then we parted company. And I'm still smiling.

I want more of this. More easy, simple happiness.

I think I can handle it.

Fluid

I was hanging out with this hi-key woo-woo, Woke af dude last weekend who got me thinking more critically about my spiritually. Well, the way I embody it.

I always imagine someone who's a little distracted, a little whimsical, with a definite feel of the Ethereal Other. I know a few of these folks. I also picture billowing robes and a headwrap. :shrugs:

I'm a spiritual person, although my embodiment of it is different than even what I think of when I imagine a spiritual person. I'm not really a billowy robes or headwrap kind of person, although I am often pretty distracted and whimsy, lol. I feel like my spirituality comes through most strongly in the way I present and express my gender.

It took a lot of work to reclaim my Divine Femme--still a wip--and I feel more balanced and whole that I can recall in my short life. Particularly as it relates to my Blackness and what it means to be a Black trans AFAB femme. The process of reconciliation (jJFC) has been a spiritual healing process that has lent good vibes into other areas of my identity that needed healing. A ripple effect.

I hadn't spent too much time lately pondering or wondering about this. It was a nice reminder that I've put a lot of thought and intent into this area of my personal growth. And to have the reminder come from a random cutie I met a week prior....

Well, you know how Geminis get when we're unexpectedly intellectually stimulated.... ;-}