Anyhow, yesterday and today myself along with about 50 others sat through the basic state-mandated training in order to work with youth. And while I gained some things from this two-day affair, I've picked up more about gender dynamics and the place that I am now operating form.
So basically, on Tuesday I roll into class "EastCoast" on time (aka 10+ mins early), and set up at one of the seven tables. Folks are trickling in and two dudes sit at my table before I decide this would be a great time to jot some thoughts down in my journal. Fast forward ten minutes later, and I'm sitting at a table full of dudes. And I'm just like, "Uhhhh--" and silently panicking about the situation I've just entered. Well, unfortunately, I'm locked at this table throughout the day and my anxiety doesn't lessen as we participate in small group discussion, role-playing, outdoor games, etc. I get a little more comfortable as time goes by, but there's something on my radar that won't let my guard down.
Today, I decided I didn't want to experience 'The Man Table' as the trainer so irritatingly called us, so I sit at a table with (seemingly) women-identified folks. Same setup as before with activities and role-playing, only this time I'm not as engaged with the folks sitting at my table. Mercifully the day ends, and I'm on my way home and decide to call a friend. This is a friend who I've made a mutual agreement to only leave voicemails--kind of like a one-way confession booth.
So, I'm leaving this voicemsg and start talking about the training I've just gone through. I talk about the kinds of things we discussed, who was there (demographics) and how I got along with the folks who I interacted with. And as I'm talking, I'm reflecting and end up almost tripping up a hill as I stumble over the 'something' that wouldn't let me put down my guard.
Gender dynamics.
Because I was not socialised with the intent that I would grow up to be a man, I am not immediately comfortable in situations with people who have been socialised that way. It's not this inherent anxiety or fear or whatever of the people--it's an anxiety and fear and whatever of not performing the behaviours or actions or mannerisms that really wind me up. I mean, I've heard and seen stories of transfolks who have faced negative consequences, often physical, for not 'doing' gender the 'right' way. And that's something I have to be conscious of, every time I leave my home, when I'm at the grocery store, when riding the bus, when at work, and basically every place I interact with folks who don't know me or are perceiving me as a certain person, i.e. a guy. It's tiring and exhausting and something that I'm still getting used to.
So this was on my unconscious conscious radar on Tuesday and it wasn't until the voicemsg that I realised what was going on. And then I had the chance to reflect more critically.
Yesterday, even though I felt out of place sitting at "The Man Table", I was automatically acccepted. Even though I didn't talk about American football or basketball. Even though I only chimed in when the conversation turned to the World Cup or Pokemon, my (perceived) gender wasn't even a thing that had a chance of coming up. And jfc, if it isn't nice to get a break every once in awhile!! I was very leery of the way discussions would go and was poised to strike if the conversation went... awry. -___- But those guys were respectful and thoughtful and loud and goofy, but not any more than any other table.
This morning, I decided to change things up and sat with a group of (seemingly) women identified folks. Holy crap was this a completely different day. First of all, I felt the 'otherness' and the walls being erected by the people at the table with me. It's because I am viewed as a Black male (i.e. a threat), no questions there. This lead to (un)conscious exclusion of me from conversations, which is fine. I'm not meant to be in every conversation. But it also felt weird to be intentionally shut out, whereas yesterday with the guys, I could jump in whenever, or not. I was also pretty intentionally quiet, because 1) when I'm being read as a guy, it's assumed that I'm going to talk more (and I'm not very talky with strangers) and 2) my voice and statements carry more weight, even when I'm completely off the mark and flat out wrong. Leave that mess to some cisguy to listen to himself talk.
There was other non-gender stuff going on at that table, but I won't go into it cuz I'm tryna stay on topic.
So this unintentional social experiment showed me a few things. One is that I cannot access the same spaces as I once did. It's occurring less frequently now, but near to the beginning of my T journey, I would naturally gravitate towards the women of the group. Now that I'm being seen as a guy, I cannot do that. It's not just about people not thinking I belong there; it's about being respectful of the sacredness of that space. Although I can identify on many different levels with the experiences and struggles of women, that's not my current experience and I don't need to take up that space, physically or otherwise. Second, I need to take a deep breath and have more confidence in the fact that the last... 2.5 years have taught me something about how to perform... manliness?
Ugh, no.
The last almost-three-years has taught me how men in this society behave, react, respond, and all that other gender stuff. I'm too observant to have missed much. Another thing is that I need to inhabit more men's spaces. I use that 'need' as my discretion and always prioritising safety--but overall, I need to put myself in those situations so that I can become more comfortable. Plus, guys can be pretty good conversationalists, when the topic is off of sports...
Being read as a cis guy is weird. So weird. Like, seaweed-wrapped-around-my-ankles kind of weird. Yeah, imagine that for a moment.
:shudder:
But I also know that I have a lot more credibility and weight to throw around to make a difference when people are being shitty, in general. I have spent a lot of these past few months focusing on the dangers of being seen as a Black man--they are no less serious than before. Now, I know I'm going to start taking a little more risk and seeing how far I can stretch the boundary in men's spaces. I mean, I have this shiny-new membership card so why not use it? So long as I don't have to talk about American football....
