I'm feeling really proud of myself for following through with my need to leave this little town. It's been really tough and reminiscent of leaving Orlando, because there are some people who will hate you for wanting more and know ing you need more to live, instead of simply surviving. It's definitely made me re-recognise the folks I need around me and who push me to keep growing.
I've had a really rough past couple of months trying to find a good family to work with as a nanny. I think I underestimated how much persistence it would take, esp since nannying is mostly independent work so the burden falls on the provider to figure out what the market is looking for and to really tailor their ad to catch families' eye. There's a stereotype of nannies, and I definitely don't fit it--being Black and read as a guy. It really doesn't matter how much weight my resume carries because families are looking for a young white woman to watch their kids. Particularly in Seattle, yuppie central. I've been really fortunate after weeks of searching to find a family who respects me and the relationship I have with their child. We communicate really well and things have been great so far. I am grateful for them and how easy they are to work with.
I've bene feeling really annoyed with certain people lately. I feel like I've been shedding a lot of folks this year who aren't aiding with my growth. That's not to say they aren't nice or whatever, but I do notice a certain drag these folk create. And I'm not down for it. I've spent so much of the last three years with folks who are stagnating--I'm really interested in meeting folks and building friendships with people who will challenge me to learn and grown and stretch in different ways.
I feeling really confused about some of my own actions. I've been noticing this past year a different my words and actions around folks who are more masculine and then folks who aren't. I'm trying hard to needle out where this pressure to posture is coming form and why it's there and what do I feel I have to lose. I'm trying to establish self-checks on my behaviour but so far they aren't working well... enough. It's annoying, seeing myself act in a way I know I wouldn't if certain people were around. It's not annoying--it's ugly. I'm trying to be patient with myself and have compassion, but there's only so much I have because it's been more than a few months, and I've been really.... inconsistent with my behaviour, sometimes doing well and sometimes, not.... :le sigh: Patience and compassion and also accountability. The focus for the remainder of the year.
I've been feeling really stressed out living so far from family and wanting/needing to be closer, but knowing that my place is no longer in Florida.
I've been feeling really in tune physically, mentally and emotionally lately. I've been toying with my diet and am feeling so much better because I seriously bumped up my proteins and feel less hungry and less irritated because of constant, deep hunger. This move has given me a good mental shake and I'm re/focused on what I want/need in order to thrive. I've been experiencing the most prolonged stability of my emotions. I feel like the usual peaks and troughs have stabalised and it feels so fucking good to not have to worry about waking up and feeling like shit or having super manic episodes. I wonder if I've ever had this much stability... It's been a few years, that's for sure....
I've been feeling really swoon-y lately. But not my usual Oscar Wao brand of swooning, but actually being active about pursuing crushes. I think as I get over my mid-twenties hump, I'm feeling less nervous about taking chances and trying. I get a paralytic fear when it comes to rejection, but I'm kind of not in the mood to dwell on it too much. I mean, a 'no thanks' won't be the ned of the world. At least, I won't let it be.
I'm just kind of done with the way things have been. I haven't been happy for a long time and I'm ready for new--new places, new things, new people, new experiences. I feel like I've lost a bit of myself in finding myself these last few years.
It'll be nice to piece myself back together and see how everything fits.
