Things They Never Told Me

They never told me that there would be points in time that I would still struggle with my body image.  That I would think back to the way my body used to look and be sad at some of the changes that have been lost: the curve of my hips, my butt, my waistline.  Things that I thought I would be happier without, and I find myself missing them,

They never told me that as I began passing as male in the majority of social interactions, that I would miss the days when I could identify and pass as a woman.  As I learn more and more about how Black women have really held it down and held up the Black community, I find myself missing that feeling of sisterhood.  Of being looked at as someone struggling towards liberation on equal ground, rather than as someone who is holding progress back or the source of he trouble (when I'm read as and assumed to be a cis man).  It feels weird and it hurts when I still identify so strongly with Black womanhood, and yet I'm cast out, isolated because of these benefits I now have bc I'm read as a cis guy.

This in-between space, as a masculine-presenting genderqweer person is lonely. I find it hard to find other Black folks who are walking along the same genderfluid lines as myself. Sometimes it feels like we're so few and far between though....

Clear-Headed

These last tend ays have been really helpful for me. I've realised that I've become a litle lost in the vortex of the PNW.

I've also come to realise that relationships I thought were priorities are in fact, not. It's easy to obsess over things when they're always in the forefront of my mind.  But since getting some space and having a chance to talk with friends and reflect I've come to realise I would be better without those relationships dominating my life.

It feels good to breathe again.

Extra Tender

ugh feeling extra swishy as I prep to deaprt. I lierally feel like a mollusk without a shell.

i don't think I cold take a rough joke at the moment.

I just... need to stay in my room and watch old anime and eat fruit.

too tender to leave the house right now.

Colour Me Queer

I feel like my Blackness and my queerness are settling in together.

That my roots as a Southerner are regrowing, even this far from Home.

That my identities are complimenting one another, instead of competing.

Sorry, I Wasn't Listening

During the 36 weeks I've been on T, I'e noticed I've become narrow-focused. I used to sneer when folks around me told me they could literally only focus on one task at a time.  That was my inner multi-taksing snow coming out, because after a near-decade of working with young children, I could spin a web of concentration and minimise the damage that 18 2yo could do to one another.

Now, though, I can't even check my text msgs while talking with a friend, because when I glance down to read it, I look up to find an angry or impatient expression waiting for me. Which 1) I shouldn't be checking msgs when I'm having intentional friend time and 2) I've been blanking out for the last 20 seconds.

I'm working really hard to maintain focus, and also recognising that I'm up against actual altered brain chemistry.

Bodies are... complex. And I'm re-learning mine.