I'm increasingly working in situations where I am refered to 'him' Mr.' and 'that guy'. And while I still try not to roll my eyes and try not to be too bewildered when I can only walk the boys to the restroom, it's not causing as much of a visceral response.
What does this mean?
I've noticed that I'm getting a lot more closed with my transness, or not needing to have that flag flying in every and all situations. I'm telling friends to introduce me as 'he' to their friends, just because I really don't feel like I need these strangers who I may or may not have a significant relationship with to know about that aspect of my identity.
What does this mean?
I'm finding it easier and easier to adopt that veil of 'standard masculinity'--the raised voice, the macho posture, the saunter. I even pitch my voice deeper in situations where I'm with a lot of men.
Ok, what the hell does that mean?
I'm hitting the second wave of big brain chemistry changes. It's disorienting and very interesting how I didn't remark on it until a buddy who's also on T was mentioning it to me. It's as if there's this external fixation on physical changes and sexual changes, and on alert for 'increased aggression' and all that bullshit. But what about mental processes? What about ways of relating to my emotions? It's not as obvious as before, and it's more difficult to enumerate and articulate.
Ugh. I can pretend to know what this means, but that's all talk.
I am increasingly feeling the weight of being perceived as a Black man. It doesn't even matter that I am not identifying as a Black man. Ok, it does, but for the intents and purposes of the outside world, it does not. The weight is soul-cruhing and it's allI cnan do to clutch my bell hooks to stay afloat.
So, what does this all mean?
Well... I'm no sure. But I know that this is
