Anger

Something that irks me to this is when Dr Shay, who does my T checkups, warned me that T can cause mood swings and 'increased aggression'.  It was all I could to paste that wan smile on my face.  

I've been thinking these last few months about how angry I haven't been.  Sure, I get annoyed, irritated, and aggravated--however, I haven't experienced true anger since December, or something.  

I feel like my temper is ticking down. I can feel the sadness, and hate, and hurt, and misery bubbling beneath the surface. It's palpable. And it's frightening. What happens when it erupts? What happens when I can't check my thorny temper and it slips away form me out into the open?

One thing tha keeps my temper at bay is fear. I do feel emotions differently these days--I'm afraid that my anger will overwhelm me and manifest in a way that I can't anticipate or control.  

The other is fear of others and their perception.  I'm not allowed to be angry or loud or emotional because I become a stereotype. A caricature, nearly.  And I know how people react to stereotypes and caricatures.  Folks will be so quick to point fingers in psuedo-vindication or else recoil in actualised fear.  

:sneer:

It just doesn't feel safe to be angry. Not around non-Black folks, who comprise the majority of my friend circle. And that's depressing. 

...

I need to fix up my bike so I can get away....

I Use Cat Pronouns, Like 'Meow' and 'Purr'

Something that I've been talking about with other genderqueer/non-binary/trans* folx is when folks who are cis--ppl who identify with the gender they were assigned at birth--say they use 'they/them' pronouns.

:takes deep breath: :grinds teeth: :grimaces:

Ok sweetheart, drop the mic. Take a step back. L I S T E N.

It's super invalidating when non-trans* folks appropriate non-binary pronouns (they, ze, etc) or make a mockery of pronouns.  I once heard someone say they use 'unicorn' or 'egg' pronouns as they snickered and rolled their eyes.

We as genderqueer/non-binary/trans* folx struggle daily within/against a society that tells us who we should(n't) be, who we are(n't) and how we should(n't) live our lives. When we use non-binary pronouns, we are defining ourselves by using pronouns that speak to who we are, not to who we are orwere supposed to be.

Yes, cis folks face difficulties

------------->AND<---------------

they also operate within the binary and have access to privileges that trans* & non-binary & genderqueer folx don't.

Simply put: you are taking up space that is not yours. If you identify within the binary, neuter pronouns are not for you.

Go and use a gendered bathroom or something....

Upswing

crosspost with JTA

---------

I've changed a lot these last six months--mostly physically, but I've  also grown emotionally and mentally. I feel like more of myself. The Self that's been aching to get out for the last however-many-years. It's been really Healing to see who I am readily reflected in my thoughts, actions, and appearance.  ♥

With all of this self-actualisation going on, I haven't really had time to give a lot of energy to those people who aren't on this journey with me.  Last night, though, I had some close encounters and Real reminders of people who are so wrapped up in their own transphobia and bigotry, that all they can do is hate.

This makes me sad

AND

I also know that I don't need to be around folks like that anyway.

And I also recognise that I  have friends and family who haven't left my side.  And new folks to meet as I move forward. I'm on an upswing and I only want people around me who are willing to rise with me. :3

Thoughts on Masculinity

I've been thinking a lot about masculinity and what that means in this is US society.

- How does my masculine presentation impact my daily?

- What does it mean when people read me as a cis-guy?

- What does it mean to be read as a Black man?

- What does it mean when I'm given more space? Physically? When talking?

- What does it mean when I spout some misogynistic bullshit? How does that impact those around me? How is that hurting myself?

- How is my non-binary trans* identity diminished when I'm read as cis?

- How can I stand in solidarity with femme folks?

- How can I continue to decolonise my internalised misogyny when I'm receiving all of these benefits?

Just some thoughts I have....

Int'l Tell Yr Crush You Have a Crush on Them Day

I found out it was Int'l Tell Yr Crush Day around noon and I made the most of it.

I mean... it was a glorious day outside and I was wearing a hot red shirt (I really dislike red, btw) and I looked hella fly.

I told four crushes I had a crush on them.

I ended up on a date-ish with one of them, eating ice cream in the park and deep chats around twilight. It was super sweet and I really, really like them.

Ah, Spring.....

Heartache

As I gro w older, I'm becoming more aware of what a squish I am.  I get hurt pretty easily, despite the rather prickly exterior.  And this weekend was really trying.

I had an argument with a friend that I'm still feeling unsettled about; a passionate discussion with a friend about a mutual friend who is, again, spiraling downward; and a much-needed conversation with a friend that's probably left my Heart sorest of all.

I need to go sit by some Water and heal....

Communicate or Die

I've figured out my Gemini motto for lyfe: Communicate or Die.

If I don't communicate, I get really visceral reactions: migraines, the runs, weird muscle cramping, loss of appetite.  Those are the ways my stress manifests.

The really great thing I've been developing this last year is the ability to listen to and understand my Body's cues before shyt gets real and I have to stay home to figure out why my Body has decided to shut down.

Tonight for example. I was walking around Capitol Lake with a friend and feeling like my dinner was going to come up through my nose.  Turns out I had some really important things to say that were caught up under my ribcage. I pushed through the nausea and managed to say what I needed to say, and then some.

I also think I"m worried about talking too much and taking up too much space, but that's another post. ;)

It's an ongoing process....