Over-Communicating

My roommate AL shared some advice my other roommate CF gave them, something along the lines of "Sometimes you have to over-communicate, as in talk about every little thing, in order to make sure things are as clear as they can possibly be and leave nothing to the imagination."

Wise words.

I've found that I've been over-communicating a lot lately. I know myself well enough that my vibrant and vivid imagination will find any hiccup in a situation and blow it out of proportion. It's something I do, and it causes a lot of grief.  So why not talk about it? Why not eliminate the stress and strain and the hours of cyclical thinking? Why not just ask for clarification and spend a bit more time talking about it in order to avoid it later on?

So I do. I've been talking more with folks I care about and really going out of my way to over-communicate.

And it's been great.

I find that people really appreciate the extra time and effort I'm willing to give to talk about things. I also fid that it makes the channels of communication more readily accessible, in that if there's something bothering people I share relationships with, they bring it up and we discuss it, rather than letting it fester and get ugly.

Over-communicating is saving me a lot of time and energy, and also allowing me to deepen bonds I already have.

I highly recommend it.

How to Heal a Broken Heart

Ezell's Famous Chicken will heal a broken Heart.

Also, sesame balls for the vegans and gf folks.

I may feel like crap (physically) the next day, but my hear will be healing.  And that's all that matters.

Thirst

Sometimes Thirst is cute.

Thirst can inspire poetry and song and dance and all kinds of amazing beautiful art.

But right now I am emotionally deplete and cannot handle these thoughts of Thirst that are occurring.

And too, I've been thinking about not having Thirst. What would life be like without Thirst? In what ways would my productivity change if I could re-distribute this energy?

Things to think about.....

Year in Review

I just took a quick flip through this blog and,

HOLY SHIT! I AM SO GLAD I WROTE THIS SHIT DOWN!

There are some questions that have since been answered, riddles that have been resolved and newer, deeper questions raised.

I am complex and hilarious and... desperately trying to figure my shit out.

Sometimes I feel like I'm spiraling out or just circling on myself or worse, just stationary. Bt I'm doing a lot of good work, I'm thinking a lot about a lot of things and

most importantly

I'm writing them down.

My sanity is contingent on getting these ideas out of my head and written/recorded somewhere.  And hopefully I remember where that somewhere is. :)

Qweer Eye Don't Lie

*This post is inspired by the hours I've spent in the past few days scrolling through friends' FB photos and picking out all the queer folks I see.*

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I was born with gay-dar--being able to find gay folks based on their mannerisms, affectations, overt body language, etc. It's really based off of mainstream stereotypes of (white, middle-class) gay ways of being. It also kind of failed when I spent a summer in Spain, simply because the men 'do' masculinity in a completely different way than in the States.  And that's when my Qweer Eye began to develop....

Fast forward three years and here I am, able to pick out a qweer in a crowded room, or in a FB photo, based on a few factors (secrets I will only pass on to my apprentices, so don't ask), but mostly from their eyes.  There's something in a qweer person's eyes--the confusion of living in a society that assumes and forces heterosexuality; the fear of being 'outed' and the very real consequences of losing jobs, family, children, housing, community, etc; the struggle towards self-love.  

It's all very real and really hard. And a lot of these struggles are masked.

But after working so hard in creating my own mask for most of my life--and working hard at dismantling it these past few years--I See other folks' masks very easily. And since our masks are created to conceal similar struggles, it's easy to See through them. 

Besides, masks generally do not cover one's eyes. And the eyes are, after all, the window into the Soul.

And queer eyes don't lie.

Are You Awake?

"Are you awake?"

That's how it always starts....

Oil Sheen

Sometimes I stop and think about my pronouns and how these impact the ways that people see and perceive me.

The pronouns I use for myself are they/them. I feel that this is as close as words can get to defining my gender identity--the closest words can get to capturing the fluidity, complexity, and constant fluctuations of my gender.

But I also use he/him. With family, whose priorities are really rooted in survival and just making it form day to day, I keep it simple. They See me. And while it may not be in the ways that I See myself, I know that they are working on Seeing me for who I am. And I appreciate these efforts.  I also use he/him with folks I don't know well (and don't care to know well), friends' families, and elders. I mean, if the conversation comes up and we wanna wax philosophical about gender and gender identity, let's go for it. But usually that's not the case.

And then there are people who use she/her. I used to get really worked up and pissed off when I was pronouned as such, but now I'm re-thinking that anger. I feel taht I'm (FINALLY) in a place where I can say that it's fine and completely resonable that not everyone is going to recognise me for the person I have decided I am.

I've also been doing a ot of thinking about how I know that I will not always use they/them as my pronouns. I can say with certainty that one day I'll most likely go back to binary pronouns. Taht doesn't mean my gender will be any less complex or layered--it just means I'll use a she or a he primarily.

But for now, they/and them are "preferred".

Bravery

Whenever I'm asked to list qualities I use to describe myself, I usually start off with "Intelligent, Detail-Oriented, Generous, Organised, Thoughtful" and things like that.

Then today, I told my crush I have a crush on them.

And I've been thinking about what this profess-ion means, for me and to me. Because I haven't done something like this in a long-ass time. Me being direct in this romantic arena... uh, nah. That ain't me. I'll give advice all day about being frank and straightforward and direct, but very, very rarely do I practise what I preach.

Until today.

This is with two friends in my corner, who have been very strong cheerleaders and very strongly challenging me to re-think my... strategy.  Because really, it wasn't yielding anything. I'm a Slytherin--there needs to be some palpable outcome or really, why am I doing it??

So I took a really big risk today and stepped... leaped, nay--hurdled out of my comfort zone.

This is probably the bravest thing I've done. At least in this particular area.

And I'm very proud of myself.

So I think now when folks ask me what qualities I would use to describe myself, I'm going to include Brave, because bravery isn't always in the wars or the fights or standing up to bullies--it can mean challenging and proving to yourself that you can take a risk that maybe under normal circumstances you wouldn't.  And it's these little acts of bravery, that make the big difference.

Journey Towards Authenticity

I've been thinking a lot lately about being on T and when I'd like to start transitioning myself off.

Like, going to the South will signify that I will no longer be on T because I don't wanna fight that war with Southern endocrinologists about accessing medication, not that those wars take place solely in the South. I just know the pathway that I accessed T is pretty limited to the NW, NYC and maybe Chicago.  I'm not interested in proving anything to anyone in order to be on T.

Plus I wanna birth children and, duh, can't be on T and do that.

But if I decide to stay on the West Coast, I'd probs stay on T. Maybe.

Things to think about....

Ready to Receive

Ok. So. I've been doing a lot of thinking and processing and writing about my latest crush. This is a person I've know for awhile and they've been on my radar for a couple of years.

Yeah, years.

I'm slow and inconsistent and also easily distracted.

Basically, I wasn't ready to See them as anything more than a friendly face. I'm a big believer that folks move into (more) prominent positions when you're ready to receive them.  I'm pretty certain this is what's happening now.

The real kicker is that this person makes me feel something different, as far as attraction. Let me explain.

As I flip though my roladex of past crushes, I notice a very prominent common variable--they were all in burnout mode and needed 'saving' And my nurturing-ass was all for that shit.  Ugh, no more! I cannot save anyone. I cannot save anyone. I can only love them and support them through their process. I cannot save anyone, except myself. Wash, rinse, repeat.

This person has a very quiet presence and is very observant (I've often observed them observing) and has a really calming energy, if I can get a little 'West Coast woo'. :p  The biggest difference--my current crush is not on some martyr shit.

And this is very refreshing.

This person also... also --  Hmm. Let me find the words.

This current crush also does not make my heart race, they don't make my stomach turn in anticipation of our next meeting. I don't feel like I will be forgotten if we don't have contact for a few days. I don't feel like I'm going to say something dumb and ruin my chances.

This. Has. Never. Happened. Before. Not in the entire span of my crush history. Like, never-ever. And it's soooo

nice.

It's nice to be able to be around this person (we're actually friends) and not feel like I have to do the most. I can honestly be me--moody, talkative, quiet, observant, loud and a little vulgar--and it's all received.

But how is this possible?? Don't the movies/Western media tell us it's the person who makes us feel like we're gonna vom on our shoes, isn't that person supposed to be 'the one' or 'one of the ones'?

This is uncharted territory.

And frankly, I am thrilled to be off the beaten path.

I will gladly accept the feeling of calm groundedness I have when I'm around this person. I will gladly accept the feeling of not needing to be anyone other than who I am, like authentically am, and I will be Seen and Received. I will gladly accept the feeling that I can talk with this person about tough, important issues in our communities and be Heard. I will gladly accept the feeling that I can joke around and be silly with this person.

What this is sounding like to me, because I'm actually processing these feelings as I've taken the 90 or so minutes to write this post, is that I feel I can be my whole self with this person.  I've found that this is becoming increasingly rare with folks within my social circle, and it's something I'm prioritising more.

So who is this person that I feel all of my complexity Seen, Respected, and Accepted?

Well... I'm still in the process of figuring this out. But if these past instances are any indication, I think this person is going to leave an important mark on who I am.