This year, I decided to commemorate the anniversary of my leap into medical transition by reflecting on my journey through 2016. Although, a more accurate description is that I was dragged, facedown through the mud, through the past 48 weeks....
I've been thinking alot about the person I have grown into this year. I've endured more than I thought I could--consistent housing instability; the loss of deep friendships; continued under-employment and joblessness; the end of tumultuous familial relationships.
And growing into my Femme.
The last one feels like a 30-year journey of coming home. I've uncovered and recovered something that was taken from me very young. It feels more precious because I've fought for this part of myself after so much hurt, betrayal, and denial.
I've also been reflecting alot about the ways in which I have... filled out since This Guy walked into the room--literally and metaphorically. He's been a catalyst for alot of healing, and also alot of instances to put all the theory I've absorbed the last six years into practise. The last three months have been sweet and tough and excruciating and unbelievably tender....
I think I hoped for myself to be this grown last year. I just didn't understand what it would take to make it here.
06 December 2016
10 November 2016
Dreams Deferred
Yesterday morning, alot of my fear fell away.
As I often do, I thought of my Ancestors, who were stolen from their lands, the ones who gave themselves to the Ocean rather than endure the cruelties of white hands. I thought of my Ancestors, the ones who survived to the shores of new, unknown worlds and became property, subjected to unspeakable horrors, abuses, violations, traumas. And I thought of my Ancestors who survived, the ones who were determined to pass something of themselves on.
I am my Ancestors' wildest dream.
Sometimes I smile to myself, thinking they couldn't have imagined such a limp-wristedly fabulous descendant. And still, I am of them and carry their strength in my memory, in my blood.
And I am a survivor too--of horrors, abuses, violations, traumas And I too am determined to pass something of myself on.
My children are my wildest dream.
Daily, I combat the voices of a society that abhors my Black skin and all it represents, let alone the otherr targets I carry. A society that has been doing everything in it's power for the last 600 years to ensure that I, and folks like me, do not survive. A society that forces us to spend so much time fighting to eek out a meager existance, so we do not remember and reclaim our Power. Daily, also, I combat society's voices within myself, the sad, quieting echoes of what I've internalised in my short lifetime.
And my dreams are not deferred.
A Trump presidency is a very familiar boogeyman--I've known him my entire life. He rests under my bed. He sneers from my closet, he refuses to sit next to me on buses and trains, he condescends to me in my workplace, he follows me in stores, he harasses me when I walk down the street....
And my dreams will not be deferred.
They are mine. They are revolutionary. I have fought, I am fighting, and I will continue to fight for them. And I will keep dreaming....
#MyDreamsWillNotBeDeferred
As I often do, I thought of my Ancestors, who were stolen from their lands, the ones who gave themselves to the Ocean rather than endure the cruelties of white hands. I thought of my Ancestors, the ones who survived to the shores of new, unknown worlds and became property, subjected to unspeakable horrors, abuses, violations, traumas. And I thought of my Ancestors who survived, the ones who were determined to pass something of themselves on.
I am my Ancestors' wildest dream.
Sometimes I smile to myself, thinking they couldn't have imagined such a limp-wristedly fabulous descendant. And still, I am of them and carry their strength in my memory, in my blood.
And I am a survivor too--of horrors, abuses, violations, traumas And I too am determined to pass something of myself on.
My children are my wildest dream.
Daily, I combat the voices of a society that abhors my Black skin and all it represents, let alone the otherr targets I carry. A society that has been doing everything in it's power for the last 600 years to ensure that I, and folks like me, do not survive. A society that forces us to spend so much time fighting to eek out a meager existance, so we do not remember and reclaim our Power. Daily, also, I combat society's voices within myself, the sad, quieting echoes of what I've internalised in my short lifetime.
And my dreams are not deferred.
A Trump presidency is a very familiar boogeyman--I've known him my entire life. He rests under my bed. He sneers from my closet, he refuses to sit next to me on buses and trains, he condescends to me in my workplace, he follows me in stores, he harasses me when I walk down the street....
And my dreams will not be deferred.
They are mine. They are revolutionary. I have fought, I am fighting, and I will continue to fight for them. And I will keep dreaming....
#MyDreamsWillNotBeDeferred
21 October 2016
I Forget....
Sometimes I forget that my story is worth telling. Sometimes I get so caught up in living it (read: surviving), that documenting takes a backseat.
This is my commitment to writing it out, and continued Soul healing.
This is my commitment to writing it out, and continued Soul healing.
26 September 2016
Subject to Change
I think I legally changed my name four years ago. One of these blogs should have the official documentation--lord knows I have too many papers strewn around my room to pretend like I could find it. J/k I know exactly where it is. Alas, lack of motivation as I get ready for bed...
But I've got the name change itch again. I'm getting tired of this surname I chose for myself--my maternal grandmother's maiden name, actually. It's a slave-holder's name, and that's been grating on my nerves more and more these last few months. And the fact that I don't feel like it's mine, although Intook it. I make an effort to respond to it, and I don't feel a connection to it, like I did to the surname that was given to me. Although I cringed at the constant mispronounciation of that surname, but I digress....
Maybe I'll just do a social transition. But that's something to continue to think about. People can be ridiculously stubborn when it comes to respecting someone's decision to go by another name. I swear, I still have relatives who would dead name me if given the chance. Again, I digress....
Lately, at my work,moles have been struggling to call me by my name. And, like, I have no clue why it's challenging. I work in an org where there are so few anglicized names, that Aurien should not be an issue. Well, the sounds in my name are very rigid, and that's real. Incidentally, it's the native English speakers. For which my Patience does not extend. Because, if you can't remember to pronounce my name, then it's just negligence and ignorance, two things I have increasingly LESS time for in my life.
What was I talking about again?
Oh yes. I think aim gonna change my name. Again.
Or maybe I'll just keep it. I don't want the hassle of transitioning all the documents 🙄🙄🙄
But I've already decided that my kids will have a different surname than mine. I have an Idea, but like so much of my life, that Idea may be subject to change. Change is good, though. I'm living and leaning that....
But I've got the name change itch again. I'm getting tired of this surname I chose for myself--my maternal grandmother's maiden name, actually. It's a slave-holder's name, and that's been grating on my nerves more and more these last few months. And the fact that I don't feel like it's mine, although Intook it. I make an effort to respond to it, and I don't feel a connection to it, like I did to the surname that was given to me. Although I cringed at the constant mispronounciation of that surname, but I digress....
Maybe I'll just do a social transition. But that's something to continue to think about. People can be ridiculously stubborn when it comes to respecting someone's decision to go by another name. I swear, I still have relatives who would dead name me if given the chance. Again, I digress....
Lately, at my work,moles have been struggling to call me by my name. And, like, I have no clue why it's challenging. I work in an org where there are so few anglicized names, that Aurien should not be an issue. Well, the sounds in my name are very rigid, and that's real. Incidentally, it's the native English speakers. For which my Patience does not extend. Because, if you can't remember to pronounce my name, then it's just negligence and ignorance, two things I have increasingly LESS time for in my life.
What was I talking about again?
Oh yes. I think aim gonna change my name. Again.
Or maybe I'll just keep it. I don't want the hassle of transitioning all the documents 🙄🙄🙄
But I've already decided that my kids will have a different surname than mine. I have an Idea, but like so much of my life, that Idea may be subject to change. Change is good, though. I'm living and leaning that....
25 September 2016
Sprung
I met this guy, who I really like.
I was at this event, and he walked into the room, and the myself and the folks I was with ignored him. And I saw his aura. WOO ALERT. And it was compelling. I don't think I've felt that strong of an attraction to someone (non-sexualy) in a very long time. Which is a nice break from the monotony.
It was curious, because he sat quietly and didn't attempt to join our conversation. Which is always a shock when it comes to cis men. Let's. Be. Real. And then The Clincher was seeing him with these young Black boys--he was gentle and patient.
And it was all over.
I chatted the guy up with pure, unadulterated #GeminiCharm and knew within 60 seconds that I couldn't' leave without getting this guy's number.
Let's fast forward to the part where we leave the event together, and I end up getting a ride from Dude to my next appointment. Yea, I'm smoov. My #charm is on levels unprecedented and lo and behold if I don't step onto the kerb with Dude's number in my phone.
I really like this guy. Even though our first hangout was a bit of a flop--there were some mis-perceptions happening--I still felt really interested in getting to know him.
And then we hung out today, and it was the ease of interaction that I felt the first time we talked. We met at a park, and sat in the Sun, shooting the breeze. It was fucken nice, and was a reminder that sometimes, things can be simple and easy. We kept that simple ease as we strolled a mile and sum to the event we were both expected at.
It was so nice, yo. I don't even have the words for the.... feelings I was feeling. Which weren't my usual muddled complexity of emotions. I was just in the moment, enjoying the Sun and Dude's company. I wasn't nervous or overthinking. I was happy. I know; that's still a word I'm getting used to in describing my general existence, much less in the company of someone I fancy. But there you go.
And then we parted company. And I'm still smiling.
I want more of this. More easy, simple happiness.
I think I can handle it.
I was at this event, and he walked into the room, and the myself and the folks I was with ignored him. And I saw his aura. WOO ALERT. And it was compelling. I don't think I've felt that strong of an attraction to someone (non-sexualy) in a very long time. Which is a nice break from the monotony.
It was curious, because he sat quietly and didn't attempt to join our conversation. Which is always a shock when it comes to cis men. Let's. Be. Real. And then The Clincher was seeing him with these young Black boys--he was gentle and patient.
And it was all over.
I chatted the guy up with pure, unadulterated #GeminiCharm and knew within 60 seconds that I couldn't' leave without getting this guy's number.
Let's fast forward to the part where we leave the event together, and I end up getting a ride from Dude to my next appointment. Yea, I'm smoov. My #charm is on levels unprecedented and lo and behold if I don't step onto the kerb with Dude's number in my phone.
I really like this guy. Even though our first hangout was a bit of a flop--there were some mis-perceptions happening--I still felt really interested in getting to know him.
And then we hung out today, and it was the ease of interaction that I felt the first time we talked. We met at a park, and sat in the Sun, shooting the breeze. It was fucken nice, and was a reminder that sometimes, things can be simple and easy. We kept that simple ease as we strolled a mile and sum to the event we were both expected at.
It was so nice, yo. I don't even have the words for the.... feelings I was feeling. Which weren't my usual muddled complexity of emotions. I was just in the moment, enjoying the Sun and Dude's company. I wasn't nervous or overthinking. I was happy. I know; that's still a word I'm getting used to in describing my general existence, much less in the company of someone I fancy. But there you go.
And then we parted company. And I'm still smiling.
I want more of this. More easy, simple happiness.
I think I can handle it.
08 September 2016
Fluid
I was hanging out with this hi-key woo-woo, Woke af dude last weekend who got me thinking more critically about my spiritually. Well, the way I embody it.
I always imagine someone who's a little distracted, a little whimsical, with a definite feel of the Ethereal Other. I know a few of these folks. I also picture billowing robes and a headwrap. :shrugs:
I'm a spiritual person, although my embodiment of it is different than even what I think of when I imagine a spiritual person. I'm not really a billowy robes or headwrap kind of person, although I am often pretty distracted and whimsy, lol. I feel like my spirituality comes through most strongly in the way I present and express my gender.
It took a lot of work to reclaim my Divine Femme--still a wip--and I feel more balanced and whole that I can recall in my short life. Particularly as it relates to my Blackness and what it means to be a Black trans AFAB femme. The process of reconciliation (jJFC) has been a spiritual healing process that has lent good vibes into other areas of my identity that needed healing. A ripple effect.
I hadn't spent too much time lately pondering or wondering about this. It was a nice reminder that I've put a lot of thought and intent into this area of my personal growth. And to have the reminder come from a random cutie I met a week prior....
Well, you know how Geminis get when we're unexpectedly intellectually stimulated.... ;-}
I always imagine someone who's a little distracted, a little whimsical, with a definite feel of the Ethereal Other. I know a few of these folks. I also picture billowing robes and a headwrap. :shrugs:
I'm a spiritual person, although my embodiment of it is different than even what I think of when I imagine a spiritual person. I'm not really a billowy robes or headwrap kind of person, although I am often pretty distracted and whimsy, lol. I feel like my spirituality comes through most strongly in the way I present and express my gender.
It took a lot of work to reclaim my Divine Femme--still a wip--and I feel more balanced and whole that I can recall in my short life. Particularly as it relates to my Blackness and what it means to be a Black trans AFAB femme. The process of reconciliation (jJFC) has been a spiritual healing process that has lent good vibes into other areas of my identity that needed healing. A ripple effect.
I hadn't spent too much time lately pondering or wondering about this. It was a nice reminder that I've put a lot of thought and intent into this area of my personal growth. And to have the reminder come from a random cutie I met a week prior....
Well, you know how Geminis get when we're unexpectedly intellectually stimulated.... ;-}
15 July 2016
2K16
Two thousand sixteen, Common Era. I'm over you.
What a fucken year.
Tried the school thing, it didn't work out. Duh.
Tried a new housing thing. It didn't work out. Duh.
Tried the Craigslist hook up thing. It worked out. Surprised.
Tried the OKCupid thing. Didn't work out. Duh.
Tried the Tindr thing. It worked out... with a yt guy.
........
Yyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee?
What a fucken year.
Tried the school thing, it didn't work out. Duh.
Tried a new housing thing. It didn't work out. Duh.
Tried the Craigslist hook up thing. It worked out. Surprised.
Tried the OKCupid thing. Didn't work out. Duh.
Tried the Tindr thing. It worked out... with a yt guy.
........
Yyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee?
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