Anger

Something that irks me to this is when Dr Shay, who does my T checkups, warned me that T can cause mood swings and 'increased aggression'.  It was all I could to paste that wan smile on my face.  

I've been thinking these last few months about how angry I haven't been.  Sure, I get annoyed, irritated, and aggravated--however, I haven't experienced true anger since December, or something.  

I feel like my temper is ticking down. I can feel the sadness, and hate, and hurt, and misery bubbling beneath the surface. It's palpable. And it's frightening. What happens when it erupts? What happens when I can't check my thorny temper and it slips away form me out into the open?

One thing tha keeps my temper at bay is fear. I do feel emotions differently these days--I'm afraid that my anger will overwhelm me and manifest in a way that I can't anticipate or control.  

The other is fear of others and their perception.  I'm not allowed to be angry or loud or emotional because I become a stereotype. A caricature, nearly.  And I know how people react to stereotypes and caricatures.  Folks will be so quick to point fingers in psuedo-vindication or else recoil in actualised fear.  

:sneer:

It just doesn't feel safe to be angry. Not around non-Black folks, who comprise the majority of my friend circle. And that's depressing. 

...

I need to fix up my bike so I can get away....