Ready to Receive

Ok. So. I've been doing a lot of thinking and processing and writing about my latest crush. This is a person I've know for awhile and they've been on my radar for a couple of years.

Yeah, years.

I'm slow and inconsistent and also easily distracted.

Basically, I wasn't ready to See them as anything more than a friendly face. I'm a big believer that folks move into (more) prominent positions when you're ready to receive them.  I'm pretty certain this is what's happening now.

The real kicker is that this person makes me feel something different, as far as attraction. Let me explain.

As I flip though my roladex of past crushes, I notice a very prominent common variable--they were all in burnout mode and needed 'saving' And my nurturing-ass was all for that shit.  Ugh, no more! I cannot save anyone. I cannot save anyone. I can only love them and support them through their process. I cannot save anyone, except myself. Wash, rinse, repeat.

This person has a very quiet presence and is very observant (I've often observed them observing) and has a really calming energy, if I can get a little 'West Coast woo'. :p  The biggest difference--my current crush is not on some martyr shit.

And this is very refreshing.

This person also... also --  Hmm. Let me find the words.

This current crush also does not make my heart race, they don't make my stomach turn in anticipation of our next meeting. I don't feel like I will be forgotten if we don't have contact for a few days. I don't feel like I'm going to say something dumb and ruin my chances.

This. Has. Never. Happened. Before. Not in the entire span of my crush history. Like, never-ever. And it's soooo

nice.

It's nice to be able to be around this person (we're actually friends) and not feel like I have to do the most. I can honestly be me--moody, talkative, quiet, observant, loud and a little vulgar--and it's all received.

But how is this possible?? Don't the movies/Western media tell us it's the person who makes us feel like we're gonna vom on our shoes, isn't that person supposed to be 'the one' or 'one of the ones'?

This is uncharted territory.

And frankly, I am thrilled to be off the beaten path.

I will gladly accept the feeling of calm groundedness I have when I'm around this person. I will gladly accept the feeling of not needing to be anyone other than who I am, like authentically am, and I will be Seen and Received. I will gladly accept the feeling that I can talk with this person about tough, important issues in our communities and be Heard. I will gladly accept the feeling that I can joke around and be silly with this person.

What this is sounding like to me, because I'm actually processing these feelings as I've taken the 90 or so minutes to write this post, is that I feel I can be my whole self with this person.  I've found that this is becoming increasingly rare with folks within my social circle, and it's something I'm prioritising more.

So who is this person that I feel all of my complexity Seen, Respected, and Accepted?

Well... I'm still in the process of figuring this out. But if these past instances are any indication, I think this person is going to leave an important mark on who I am.