Greedy

As I was walking (yes walking!) to the busstop this morning, I was reflecting on all of the qpoc first person account I've heard about being their queer/trans* selves and having a relationship with their natal families.  There aren't many I know of who are out and have family relations or have family relations but aren't out.  Maybe that was the same thing twice, but it's really an either/or in many cases.  Let's break this down.

There is racism in the mainstream queer... scene. It was recently brought to my attention that it isn't much of a community if a group of people are being actively excluded.  But the queer scene is hella racist, and when it does accept (read: tolerate) people of colour, there is much fetishisation of POC.  Think of any gross stereotype about any colour ethnicity (usually conjured up by white colonialists) and you can find it positively thriving in the Queer Scene.  It's quite disgusting to think that the only way a POC will be accepted is by having themselves  oppressively objectified, but it's a sad reality.

**update**

I should give an example of an exoticised racial identity in the queer scene.  One of the first that pops to mind is the Southeast Asian (Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam) fetishisation.  There are multiple things operating here that are cloaked as 'preference', but let's focus on race.  There's this 'fascination' with eye shape and the fine-bone frame.  There's an assumption that SE Asian men are passive and acquiescent and innocent, much like one of the stereotypes pushed on SEAsian womyn.  I read an essay about the Chinadoll/dragon lady phenomenon. It's absolutely nauseating.  Orientalism at it's finest.

***

There is rampant homo-/transphobia within communities of colour.  Since I'm Black, I will only speak for my community, though I know there are common themes throughout other POC comms.  The Black Church is horribly homo-/tansphobic, to the point of saying that HIV/AIDS is the consequence of lving this 'lifestyle'.  Abhorrent beliefs, to say the least.  And even when Black kids come out to their parents, they are dragged into the church to "pray away the gay" or told "I still love you, but it's only a matter of time before you meet the nice man/woman".  Ignorance and a lack of open-mindedness cause these responses and leave our queer/trans* folks without the support they need, and further split our already damaged community.

Now, back to my early-morning thoughts.

When it comes to natal families and being true to one's self, it's a hard compromise.  I'll talk a little about my experience.

My family aren't a close bunch.  There was a lot of abuse that occurred in my maternal family and they've never worked on their ish, so the trauma continues.  My emotional support has never come from my family, and I find that I'm seeking it now.  I guess that longing for an actual intimate connection with those people who share so much of who I am is overcoming me in my old age. :P  Anyway, I feel a huge tear in wanting to have a relationship with them, and being able to be my Authentic Self.

I know for a fact that my relatives will give me a hard time for being trans*.  They give me a hard time anyway for the choices I've made (i.e. going to college, moving across the country), much less for adopting a gender that allows me to be more of myself.  And I'm not sure I have the patience or emotional strength to deal with their ignorance any time soon.  Which makes me feel like I'm asking too much to have familial support and the freedom to express myself however I choose.

As I was walking to the busstop I felt greedy for wanting both, and perhaps a little envious of people who have both.  Is it really asking too much? Sometiems I feel like it is, esp as a person of colour.  My mom knows I date womyn, but I haven't told her I'm trans* because I'm taking a break from our relationship.  But even though my mom said "I'm her child and she'll always love me" that doesn't say anything about acceptance or being an ally.

For me, acceptance means more than giving someone love.  It means educating yourself on the way in which your loved one's identity operates in society. It means more having difficult conversations about identity. It means challenging your assumptions and recognising the ways in which your privilege operates. It means looking beyond yourself and realising that the world has many oppressions and they are all interconnected and affect all of us. Somehow I'm reluctant to believe my relatives are ready to go this hard.... I might be wrong, but at this time, I'm not ready to try to get them to go this hard.  My reserves are to depleted at the mo'.

But this topic of "greed" is something I think about often.  I don't have an answer as to whether it is greedy to want both, but I wish things were differnet for POC and relations with their families.

And I swear to GAWD if I hear another 'it gets better' from anyone, I will list every single one of the ways in which Dan Savage can shove that line and all of the videos it 'inspired' up his white scrawny racist ass.  Don't get me started on that prick....