Black Women

crosspost with FOD and JTA

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I was/am raised by Black women. I was/am guided by Black women. I was/am nurtured by Black women. I was/am loved by Black women.

I've been reflecting on my interactions with the Black women in my family, and how these have changed as I've begun to be perceived as a man. 

I've been reading about Black masculinity in bell hooks' 'We Real Cool,' and trying to figure out how my performance of masculinity has been impacted by being a person that was assigned female at birth, and how this socialisation has influenced and continues to influence the decisions and choices I make. 

I've been thinking about how Black women are portrayed in the media and the sometimes overt, but oftentimes subtle misogynoir (anti-Black racism and sexism) that I observe from this gray-area I inhabit between the worlds of masculinity and femininity.  

Is the fierce protectiveness I feel for Black women paternalistic and condescending? Am I perpetuating the sexist cycle of Black masculinity by stifling the autonomy of Black womanhood? How can I balance these conflicting feelings to create stronger, healthier bonds between myself and the Black women in my life?

I've been thinking a lot about the power and benefits* I am granted as a person who can move through men's spaces, and how to use this power to interrupt anti-Black sexism within (and outside of) the Black community.

I have been struggling to understand how I Love Black women, and in what ways. How do I honour this Love? In what ways am I challenging my internalised misogynoir, as a person who once identified as a Black woman? How is this Love changing as I am granted male benefits*?

I've been thinking deeply about the time I identified as a Black woman, and a sense of loss of community I feel by no longer identifying as such. How can I use this lifetime of experience to create space for conversations around gender, masculinity, femininity, and gender expression in the Black spaces I move through? 

These are a few questions I've been mulling over the last year....

*I use the term 'benefits' rather than 'privileges' when describing being perceived as a man. Privilege is power given that is never thought about except when it is challenged but even in those occasions it is still present; benefits are given on a case-by-case basis.  I am a trans*masculine female-assigned-at-birth person. Although I pass as a man in most spaces, there are still instances where I do not. In these cases, I am subject to overt sexism and transphobia, and the potential harassment and assault is always present. I am continuously conscious that these benefits are conditional and can be taken away in any given situation.