"Should I Buy the Pink Slicker?"

A few years back, I read an essay in the book Black Queer Studies about gender performativity. I can honestly say that it was one of the most inaccessible academic essays I had encountered. So much so that I don't plan on revisiting it any time soon.

But

It helped plant some seeds regarding gender and the many ways it its acted out and performed. I find myself contemplating these topics often.

Particularly yesterday, as I was shopping online for a slicker. I've lived in the PNW for over  three years now and I still don't own a proper raincoat, so I decided it was time to swallow my pride and shell out the cash. And I wanted a pink one. Which raised an internal debate that lasted most of the afternoon and well into the night.

"Should I buy the pink slicker? I really want it. What are the social repercussions of me wearing a bright pink raincoat? I'm read as and I pass as a young Black man. How would a pink slicker impact the masculinity I perform? How a pink slicker validate the femininity I preform? How would a pink raincoat impact the benefits I get as a 'young Black man' and the relative ease with which I move through society? How would a pink raincoat compromise my safety?"

Soul-searching questions that dog so many of my daily decisions....

It's tough, finding a balance between what society believes me to be, what I am, and who I want to be perceived as. it takes WEB DuBois' double-conconsciousness to a whole different level, because I deal not only with race, but a gender that is fluid and multi-facted. Ugh, so much shit to wade through for a gotdamned slicker.

Add to that the rainboots I needed to complete my NorthWest uniform and repeat the cycle of questioning. Because of course I wanted the pink Bogs. Well, 'want' is not really true. It was more like, "I need the pink boots to live!!!"

I don't have the answers to those questions, because they are constantly evolving, as are my tools to deal with any gender policing bullshit that's thrown my way.

I do however know that a gorgeous pink slicker and beautiful pink Bogs are on their way to my doorstep. And I am insanely happy.