Emotionally Vulnerable

There are few things that scare me more than being emotionally vulnerable.

It's not something I learnt as a kid--in fact I learnt the exact opposite. It was seen as weak to show any type of emotion. Of course, this lead to me crying a lot in my room at night.  And as I grew up it made it nearly impossible to recognise and process any of my emotions.  Other than anger, sadness and frustration. I was really good at maybe not understanding them, but certainly recognising them.

Fast forward to 2010 and I arrive in Olympia. Little did I know the emotional metamorphosis I was embarking on. I would not only learn to recognise and understand my emotions, I would be forced to talk about them. Well, maybe only forced in certain occasions, but certainly encouraged to express and articulate them. Encouraged to dig around and find out what is causing me to have these emotions. Encouraged to learn to anticipate and communicate my emotions.

It's a rough, messy ride. I've been dragged kicking and screaming, always cursing (sometimes myself for being so stubborn, sometimes my family for not giving me these tools and always to Society and Colonisation which has taken so much from me and those like me caught up in this Diaspora). Nevertheless, here I am on the other side (kinda, not really), ready and willing to articulate my emotions.

But that doesn't mean it's easy.

In fact, I find it gets a little harder as time goes by--like with family and romantic potentials--to actually say how I feel. I'm a quick thinker but slow articulator and it takes me a bit of time to find my words.  It doesn't help that I'm a writer and it takes me forever to find the 'perfect' word order.

Woe.

Something i've never been able to shed is the fear or rejection/failure. Failure at what? Still trying to figure that one out. Rejection by whom? :eyeroll:

But every once in awhile, my... SuperEgo? I dunno one of the bossier Auriens get really, really fed up with complacency and paralytic fear and makes the decision for all of us that we are going for it. Because doing something is better than doing nothing at all.

I like to call this my Mollett Fever. And I am currently in its throes.