Insecure Thoughts

This last week I've been having a lot of insecure thoughts about my desirability. The romantic kind. The kind i avoid writing because they are heavy. So heavy.

There's so much wrapped up in it--being Black, being trans and non-binary, being in this weird place called the Pacific Northwest. The intense interplay of my identities. Sometimes it feels like I'm wielding a sword, or gently drawing the bow of a violin, and others like I'm clutching a worn, over-used grubby plastic bag.

Thoughts that my complexity and density and intensity are... too much.  That I'm too much--too imaginative, too sensitive, too angry, too articulate, too sure of what iI want, too indecisive, too confident, too insecure.

This past week I've been wondering if there is someone (or someones) who arew willing and able to hold all of my complexity and not only accept it but understand and appreciate it.

I mean, like I know there is at least one person out there who will be able to, but I wonder if I'll be able to recognise that person/persons when the time comes. I wonder if I willb e able to listen and trust myself enough....

But I'm going to trust in the timing of this... intersection and just keep bumbling along till then.

I have faith.