Femme

This post has been a looooong time coming....

I compose stories in my head.  Fantasies, some might call them, but they help keep my mind occupied when the real world fails to do so.  Most times, I use these stories to slowly acquaint myself with new ideas about my ever-evolving identity. I've used the to explore ideas of queerness, my attraction to women, being a grown-up and having a 'real job' etc.

Recently I've been exploring my possible life as a transman.  And as I moved from the idea of being genderqueer when I grow up, I've noticed that my attraction has moved from androgynous folks to femmes.  And this was troubling to me.  How could I be queer, be a transman and fall into the heteronormative trap of being attracted to femmes.?  It seemed far to repetitious to me, and almost... dare I say it normal, by mainstream standards.  I thought these things and tried without hope to push my desires back toward the center and even over to 'masculine'.  But my Mind is stubborn and femmes kept popping up everywhere!

And then I began reading this.  I got to the piece called Getting Real, and not two segments in I had to take a break and write a post.  It's so true!!  Being queer and femme are oxymorons in the queer community, and unfortunately those misogynistic biases are imbedded in me.  I'm a misogynist, and I'm working on unlearning this. The straight community devalues women--something about patriarchy--and the queer community dismisses femmes for the privileges they have in the straight world.  It's a horrible Catch 22, and leads to alienation on both sides.  And  that makes me sad, esp because I carry/carried these views.

But I know how to remedy this!!!

Step One: own my shyt.  Denial does no one any good.

Step Two: quit denying my desires and attraction to femmes.  Gawd knows now is the time to begin letting go of all the baggage that's been piled on my by this patriarchal society.

Step Three: speak up and speak out.  Since I present as masculine, I have privilege in this horrible oppressive society and I can use it to shut those misogynistic fools down.

Step Four (or maybe Step One...): Educate myself and challenge my biases.  :D

This will be a continuing topic.....